Late Night Jokes for June 30 2014

President Obama named former Procter & Gamble CEO Bob McDonald as Secretary of Veterans Affairs.  This was seen as a wise choice, since Procter & Gamble, which manufactures Charmin Toilet Paper, is adept at cleaning up piles of shit.

During last Thursday’s World Cup game between the USA and Germany, there was a spike in USA fan mentions of the word “Nazi” on Twitter.  And during Tuesday’s round-of-sixteen game versus Belgium, team USA fans are expected to see a rise in Tweeting of the phrase “Fuck Waffles”.

The US Supreme Court has ruled 5-4 that employers have the right to refuse reproductive health care for their employees.  Interesting decision coming from a group of lawyers with six dicks and six boobs.

The plaintiff in that Supreme Court case, Oklahoma-based Hobby Lobby, rejoiced that they no longer have to provide contraception to employees.  Hobby Lobby is clearly out of touch since none of their dorky clientele ever have to worry about getting laid.

July 1st is Canada Day, the day the second-largest country in the world celebrates its independence.  So 2014 marks the 147th year of Canada being the United States’ hat.

This week, former boxer Mike Tyson turns 48 years old.  He would have made a birthday wish, but he had trouble pronouncing the word “wish”.

Star Wars filmmaker George Lucas has decided to move his planned museum from California to Chicago.  And when it opens in Chicago, the adult virginity rate is expected to skyrocket to astronomically pathetic levels.

A Cracker Barrel restaurant recently fired a Vietnam veteran-employee who gave away a corn muffin to a needy patron.  Cracker Barrel insisted that nobody is so needy that they should resort to eating at Cracker Barrel.

According to a panel of experts, Oscar Pistorius was not mentally ill when he accidentally killed his wife.  The panel all agreed that periodically after getting married, it’s normal for couples to want to kill each other.

Showtime TV show “Californication” ended after 7 seasons.  Now that the Hank Moody saga is over, the next biggest pussy magnet on TV is Matt Lauer.

A man with a 132-pound scrotum has died.  He has left behind a wife, two brothers, and seven-thousand children.

President Obama, John Boehner, and Ireland’s Prime Minister had lunch together on Capitol Hill back in March.  Apparently the Irish Prime Minister had ordered a Black and Tan.

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