Late Night Jokes for July 10, 2014

  • This week, Germany beat Brazil to play Argentina in the World Cup final. So anyone this weekend in Argentina or Brazil rooting oddly-hard for Germany should come on down to your local “Take Grandpa to Visit the Mossad Day”.
  • The Pennsylvania Draft Board accidentally sent out 14,000 Military draft notices to people born in the 1800s. This resulted in many confused descendants.  Still, Larry King will soon be reporting for duty.
  • A Britney Spears track without Autotune was leaked all over the internet.  The track sounds like Justin Bieber with Autotune.
  • More international students are going to US High Schools. Can you say “USA World Cup champions 2022?”
  • Rosie O’Donnell is going to be a panelist on The View.  She released a gracious statement that read, “Blah blah blah, Donald Trump is a prick.”
  • Facebook has removed Texas Tech Cheerleader Kendall Jones’ photos of her hunting large African animals such as lions and tigers. I can think of a much more fitting punishment: it’ll involve a zoo, a fence, and some hungry hungry tigers.
  • Smallpox vials were found in an NIH storage room. If an outbreak occurs, Paris Hilton can finally complete her goal of contracting every disease on the planet.
  • Cleveland was awarded the 2016 Republican National Convention. No better city to extend a losing streak than the home of the Indians, Cavaliers, and Browns.
  • A Judge granted approval for a NFL concussion suit settlement. The NFL players can file suit as soon as they all are off probation.
  • There was a shark attack in Manhattan Beach, California. You’d bite someone too if they just showed up in your living room gyrating in a wet Speedo.
  • US Teenagers are below average in financial literacy. That’s great news for me. I’ll charge them $100 a month to read this column and they’ll think that they’re ripping me off.
  • Dick Jones, the voice of Pinnochio, died at 87. So his name was Dick, and he was the voice of a boy who’s wooden nose would grow every time he lied. There is no joke that I can make now that wasn’t made on the Pinnochio film set back in 1940.
  • Despite poll findings, there is still a big audience that isn’t tired of Sarah Palin. You can find these cretins dining at a Cracker Barrel near you.
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