Late Night Jokes for July 25, 2014

  • Crocodile Dundee actor Paul Hogan has filed for divorce with his wife.  They had a dispute after Hogan brought his wife on their anniversary to a romantic candlelit-dinner at the Outback Steakhouse.
  • Speaking of failed relationships, Israel and Gaza have issued a 12-hour cease-fire in recognition of the Sabbath on Friday and Saturday nights.  Because if there’s one thing both sides can agree on, it’s the freakin’ weekend!
  • Bose is suing Beats by Dre over noise-cancelling technology.  Although the legal paperwork has been filed, Beats’ CEO Dr. Dre has yet to respond formally.  He just keeps nodding his head.
  • Microsoft has laid off 13,000 workers.  Apparently all of our grandparents who need tech support in using Microsoft Word are all dying off.
  • This week, Buzz Aldrin celebrated 45 years since landing on the Moon.  And to celebrate, the retired Apollo astronaut spent 45 minutes sitting on the toilet.
  • North Korea has filed a U.N. complaint about the comedy film, ‘The Interview’, claiming it’s fake and misleading.  If the complaint works out, several sub-Saharan African countries are going to file a class-action lawsuit against the movie “The Lion King”.
  • Weird Al Yankovic is #1 on the Billboard charts for the first time ever in his career.  Unfortunately he parodied Pharrell Williams’ “Happy”, so once again, nobody’s a winner.
  • President Obama visited Los Angeles for a series of fundraisers this week.  But due to the secret service-mandated street closures around the vicinity, nobody could make it to the fundraiser in time to meet the President.
  • A Pittsburgh man used a video-game gun to thwart off a burglar.  The bugler was an animated Nintendo Duck.
  • California has imposed unprecedented conservation rules to address the severe drought this summer.  In other news, the Governor of California is starting a health initiative called the “Dehydration Weight Loss Diet”.

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