Late Night Jokes for July 31, 2014

The 2013 Government shutdown may have caused a baby boom in the Washington, DC area. If true, this will prove that members of Congress and their staff are human after all.

George W. Bush has written a book about his father, George H.W. Bush. If George Jr. is now pumping out books, the book industry must be really desperate.

At UCLA, a massive water-main break has resulted in extensive flooding damage to the campus. Former President George Bush offered his support, saying that the clean-up crews are doing a heck of a job.

There is an enormous Ebola outbreak in West Africa. The symptoms include vomiting diarrhea and all the other feelings you get after going to Taco Bell.

A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie poster is hitting some controversy with an image of the turtles emerging from a burning tower with the release date, September 11. Here’s a spoiler, in this remake, Rafael and Michelangelo join Al Qaeda.

A judge has ruled that a steel cross revered by Christians can remain at the Ground Zero site in New York City. If only the Star of David could be twisted into an architecturally-sound steel reinforcement…

A court has ruled that Donald Sterling must sell the Clippers. Unfortunately the only person he is interested in selling the team to is George Zimmerman.

This week, Facebook will force mobile phone users to download their messenger app. This way, it’s much easier to receive a booty call text from someone you haven’t seen since middle school.

Hilary Clinton says she regrets saying that after she and Bill left the White House, they were “dead broke”. In a new statement, she said, “we were rich, bitch!”

Michael Jordan says he is cool with LeBron James wearing number 23. Jordan says that the number 23 was always his lucky number in Vegas.

Brett Favre says he is not worried about Packers fans booing him when he returns to Green Bay to retire his jersey number 4. He said that’s because he is considering coming out of retirement every season until he dies.

An ex IRS official is getting attention for calling conservatives “crazies”. He retracted his statement saying that the real crazies are the people that believe in the sham of non-partisanship.

A man was arrested for fondling a sleeping airline passenger on Delta Airlines this week. Whatever happened to just drawing a dick on someone’s face while they sleep?

After the house of representatives voted to sue him, President Obama urged the GOP to “Stop hating all the time”. Republican leaders responded by making the President six belated valentines day cards.

Dating site OkCupid has admitted that they knowingly matched up mis-matched users to experiment with the results. Their conclusions: dating is awkward, and people like to bang.

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