Late Night Jokes for February 16, 2015

  • An owl that has been stealing people’s hats off their heads in the state of Oregon has been named Owl Capone. There’s another owl roaming the same area they named Owl Pacino.  It’s been saying “hooahh”:
  • Saturday Night Live celebrated its 40th anniversary on Sunday night.  Technically, it was only the 30th anniversary, because who really has been watching the last 10 years?
  • The NBA all star game was held on Sunday.  And this means one thing:  we’re really only half way through this awfully boring NBA season.
  • The Academy Awards are less than a week away.  In Los Angeles, the night is known as “the best day of the year to burglarize a cinematographer!”
  • Surveyors have realized that the Washington Monument is taller than previously thought. In addition, George Washington was much  is more Jewish than previously thought.
  • Speaking of dicks, a teen with a penis measuring 10 inches in circumference had reduction surgery recently.  Before the surgery, he said when his enormous penis was flaccid it was just annoying.  But when he had an erection, it was a pain in the ass.
  • Chris Christie’s approval ratings have dropped to a record low of 37.  But never fear Christie fans, his waste line is still far above 60.
  • Fifty Sades of Grey took in more than $80 million on its opening weekend.  In a related story, emergency rooms reported a sharp decrease in anal bead accidents this weekend.
  • Lady Gaga got engaged over Valentine’s Day weekend. Although she’s thrilled, Gaga’s fiancée is concerned that he might be caught in a bad romance.
  • Music streaming app Spotify said the top sex song for Valentine’s Day weekend was “Intro” by the xx.  The song has no lyrics.  This adds further proof that nobody enjoys talking after sex, nor DURING sex.

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