Category Archives: Late Night Jokes

Late Night Jokes for February 16, 2015

  • An owl that has been stealing people’s hats off their heads in the state of Oregon has been named Owl Capone. There’s another owl roaming the same area they named Owl Pacino.  It’s been saying “hooahh”:
  • Saturday Night Live celebrated its 40th anniversary on Sunday night.  Technically, it was only the 30th anniversary, because who really has been watching the last 10 years?
  • The NBA all star game was held on Sunday.  And this means one thing:  we’re really only half way through this awfully boring NBA season.
  • The Academy Awards are less than a week away.  In Los Angeles, the night is known as “the best day of the year to burglarize a cinematographer!”
  • Surveyors have realized that the Washington Monument is taller than previously thought. In addition, George Washington was much  is more Jewish than previously thought.
  • Speaking of dicks, a teen with a penis measuring 10 inches in circumference had reduction surgery recently.  Before the surgery, he said when his enormous penis was flaccid it was just annoying.  But when he had an erection, it was a pain in the ass.
  • Chris Christie’s approval ratings have dropped to a record low of 37.  But never fear Christie fans, his waste line is still far above 60.
  • Fifty Sades of Grey took in more than $80 million on its opening weekend.  In a related story, emergency rooms reported a sharp decrease in anal bead accidents this weekend.
  • Lady Gaga got engaged over Valentine’s Day weekend. Although she’s thrilled, Gaga’s fiancée is concerned that he might be caught in a bad romance.
  • Music streaming app Spotify said the top sex song for Valentine’s Day weekend was “Intro” by the xx.  The song has no lyrics.  This adds further proof that nobody enjoys talking after sex, nor DURING sex.

Late Night Jokes for February 9, 2015

  • The Grammy Awards were held in Los Angeles on Sunday night.  And U2 was nominated for best elevator music masquerading as rock.
  • Bruce Jenner was involved in a fatal car wreck in Malibu this weekend.  And although he is still undergoing sex conversion therapy, he’s already driving like a woman
  • Tickets to the film “Fifty Shades of Grey” go on sale this week.  Box office experts predict the movie to dominate and whip some ass.
  • Snoop Dogg’s son has accepted an offer to play football for UCLA.  He says the biggest challenge for his freshman year will be passing the drug test.
  • NBC’s Brian Williams is taking self-imposed leave after it was revealed that he knowingly-misreported his role in an attack during the Iraq war.  It could be worse, he could have been caught for pretending to be an impartial voice while reporting about the war.
  • A study says that people who get paper bills in the mail are more likely to have better credit history than those who just get their bill emailed. In conclusion, pro-recycling environmentalists are just broke-ass hippies.
  • Rush Limbaugh has taken the credit for MSNBC’s lower ratings recently. He claims he sat on them.
  • A story broke that a former aide to republican representative Aaron Schock starred in a 1999 film that preached converting Jews to baptism.  The aide defended himself saying that the film contributed to the successful Jewish-to-baptist conversion of nobody.
  • The widow of Neil Armstrong found a secret stash of moon mementos in the late astronaut’s closet.  Upon further review, however, it turned out to just be a black and white photo of Kim Kardashian’s ass.  It was a full moon.
  • Harper Lee, after 50 years, will be releasing a sequel to To Kill A Mockingbird.  It’s called “To Kill A Mockingbird 2:  Cruise Control”

Late Night Jokes for February 2, 2015

  • The song “This Is How We Do It” turned 20 years old this week.  And now we know that the “IT” Montell Jordan was singing about was a blueprint for making a one-hit wonder.
  • A new all female Ghostbusters sequel has been cast. The plot follows four female Ghostbusters that have to take on the supernatural, when one of their fellow busters suddenly has to go on maternity leave.
  • Health officials have declared electronic cigarettes a health threat for California, and they are seeking statewide regulations. Similarly, the same health officials declared that just breathing in California is also a health threat.
  • Eugene de Kock, a death squad leader for the former apartheid state of South Africa, has been granted parole after two decades in jail.  In order to protect his safety in the public, he will be changing his name to Eugene de Murderer on Parole.
  • Strangers in Detroit raised $60,000 to buy a car for a man who walks to work 21 miles a day.  In other news, over the weekend, a bank in Detroit was robbed of $60,000.
  • NFL network has fired Warren Sapp after he was arrested in Phoenix for soliciting sex from a prostitute.  Arizona law forbids anyone from soliciting sex without verifying the prostitute’s green card.
  • Rapper Suge Knight has been charged with murder after a hit and run in Compton.  Knight claimed he didn’t murder anyone, he was just doing hands-on research for his next album.
  • Strippers in Oregon are lobbying for better work conditions.  They’re demanding that stripper poles be cleaned from once to twice per year.

Late Night Jokes for January 26, 2015

  • Kanye West is designing uniforms for the NBAs Washington Wizards.  And even though Washington hasn’t won a NBA title in 37 years, their jerseys now say “greatest team of all time”.
  • Guitarist Tom DeLonge has quit his band Blink 182.  He hasn’t taken this much shit for quitting something since his mom grounded him after he  quit high school.
  • Mitt Romney said this week, ‘I’m One Of Those Republicans’ Who Believes In Climate Change”.  And of course by climate change, Romney means firing people in offices and making for a more miserable job climate.
  • Justin Bieber is going to be roasted on Comedy Central.  Expect there to be many more jokes than in past roasts, since everyone will be skipping the part where they praise Bieber for all the things they like about him.
  • A massive snow storm is about to hit New York and New Jersey.  And unfortunately, 9 months from now, there will be many more New Yorkers and New Jersians.
  • A Stanford graduate has received $2.1 million to develop a version of Tinder exclusive to the nation’s top universities.  You can download the app at elitist douchebag dot com.
  • A study says that ‘woman on top sex’ is the riskiest type of intercourse for men.  The study says that letting the woman get what they want so early in the relationship can set a terrible precedent.
  • SkyMall is going bankrupt.  So now airlines are scrambling to figure out what magazine to put in seatbacks for passengers to stick their gum in.
  • The film “Mrs. Doubtfire” is being turned into a Into stage musical.  And to play the starring role of the hip old cross dressing granny that sings, is Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler.   DUUUUUUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY.
  • Benjamin Netanyahu conspired with Speaker John Boehner to speak to a joint session of the United States Congress—without clearing it with President Obama first.  And to get back at him, President Obama will be doing a Ted Talk at the Western Wall in Jerusalem about “What to do with an uninvited guest”.

Late Night Jokes for January 19, 2015

  • A new study shows that iPhone separation anxiety is not only real, but negatively affects cognitive ability.  The study was conducted by thousands of parents during dinner with their teenagers.
  • Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee said that President Obama shouldn’t let his daughters listen to Beyonce.  Obama fired back, “well you shouldn’t let your kids listen to Ted Nugent!”
  • A former Mitt Romney advisor said this week that if Mitt were president, there wouldn’t be an ISIS at all.  Yes, Romney would have ousted ISIS with his binders full of women.
  • A superfight between Manny Pacquio and the undefeated Floyd Mayweather is being tentatively scheduled for the first weekend of May.  Mayweather would have been excited after reading the contract, but unfortunately, Mayweather can’t read.
  • Director James Cameron announced that the next ‘Avatar’ sequel’s release will be delayed until 2017.  He’s still figuring out how far over budget he plans to go.
  • Southwest Airlines was fined $1.5 million for stranding passengers on tarmac.  And to pay for it, Southwest will be raffling off all checked baggage.
  • Shots were fired near the Delaware home of Joe Biden’s.  In a related story, Dick Cheney was hunting in Delaware this weekend.

Late Night Jokes for July 31, 2014

The 2013 Government shutdown may have caused a baby boom in the Washington, DC area. If true, this will prove that members of Congress and their staff are human after all.

George W. Bush has written a book about his father, George H.W. Bush. If George Jr. is now pumping out books, the book industry must be really desperate.

At UCLA, a massive water-main break has resulted in extensive flooding damage to the campus. Former President George Bush offered his support, saying that the clean-up crews are doing a heck of a job.

There is an enormous Ebola outbreak in West Africa. The symptoms include vomiting diarrhea and all the other feelings you get after going to Taco Bell.

A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie poster is hitting some controversy with an image of the turtles emerging from a burning tower with the release date, September 11. Here’s a spoiler, in this remake, Rafael and Michelangelo join Al Qaeda.

A judge has ruled that a steel cross revered by Christians can remain at the Ground Zero site in New York City. If only the Star of David could be twisted into an architecturally-sound steel reinforcement…

A court has ruled that Donald Sterling must sell the Clippers. Unfortunately the only person he is interested in selling the team to is George Zimmerman.

This week, Facebook will force mobile phone users to download their messenger app. This way, it’s much easier to receive a booty call text from someone you haven’t seen since middle school.

Hilary Clinton says she regrets saying that after she and Bill left the White House, they were “dead broke”. In a new statement, she said, “we were rich, bitch!”

Michael Jordan says he is cool with LeBron James wearing number 23. Jordan says that the number 23 was always his lucky number in Vegas.

Brett Favre says he is not worried about Packers fans booing him when he returns to Green Bay to retire his jersey number 4. He said that’s because he is considering coming out of retirement every season until he dies.

An ex IRS official is getting attention for calling conservatives “crazies”. He retracted his statement saying that the real crazies are the people that believe in the sham of non-partisanship.

A man was arrested for fondling a sleeping airline passenger on Delta Airlines this week. Whatever happened to just drawing a dick on someone’s face while they sleep?

After the house of representatives voted to sue him, President Obama urged the GOP to “Stop hating all the time”. Republican leaders responded by making the President six belated valentines day cards.

Dating site OkCupid has admitted that they knowingly matched up mis-matched users to experiment with the results. Their conclusions: dating is awkward, and people like to bang.

Late Night Jokes for July 25, 2014

  • Crocodile Dundee actor Paul Hogan has filed for divorce with his wife.  They had a dispute after Hogan brought his wife on their anniversary to a romantic candlelit-dinner at the Outback Steakhouse.
  • Speaking of failed relationships, Israel and Gaza have issued a 12-hour cease-fire in recognition of the Sabbath on Friday and Saturday nights.  Because if there’s one thing both sides can agree on, it’s the freakin’ weekend!
  • Bose is suing Beats by Dre over noise-cancelling technology.  Although the legal paperwork has been filed, Beats’ CEO Dr. Dre has yet to respond formally.  He just keeps nodding his head.
  • Microsoft has laid off 13,000 workers.  Apparently all of our grandparents who need tech support in using Microsoft Word are all dying off.
  • This week, Buzz Aldrin celebrated 45 years since landing on the Moon.  And to celebrate, the retired Apollo astronaut spent 45 minutes sitting on the toilet.
  • North Korea has filed a U.N. complaint about the comedy film, ‘The Interview’, claiming it’s fake and misleading.  If the complaint works out, several sub-Saharan African countries are going to file a class-action lawsuit against the movie “The Lion King”.
  • Weird Al Yankovic is #1 on the Billboard charts for the first time ever in his career.  Unfortunately he parodied Pharrell Williams’ “Happy”, so once again, nobody’s a winner.
  • President Obama visited Los Angeles for a series of fundraisers this week.  But due to the secret service-mandated street closures around the vicinity, nobody could make it to the fundraiser in time to meet the President.
  • A Pittsburgh man used a video-game gun to thwart off a burglar.  The bugler was an animated Nintendo Duck.
  • California has imposed unprecedented conservation rules to address the severe drought this summer.  In other news, the Governor of California is starting a health initiative called the “Dehydration Weight Loss Diet”.

Late Night Jokes for July 10, 2014

  • This week, Germany beat Brazil to play Argentina in the World Cup final. So anyone this weekend in Argentina or Brazil rooting oddly-hard for Germany should come on down to your local “Take Grandpa to Visit the Mossad Day”.
  • The Pennsylvania Draft Board accidentally sent out 14,000 Military draft notices to people born in the 1800s. This resulted in many confused descendants.  Still, Larry King will soon be reporting for duty.
  • A Britney Spears track without Autotune was leaked all over the internet.  The track sounds like Justin Bieber with Autotune.
  • More international students are going to US High Schools. Can you say “USA World Cup champions 2022?”
  • Rosie O’Donnell is going to be a panelist on The View.  She released a gracious statement that read, “Blah blah blah, Donald Trump is a prick.”
  • Facebook has removed Texas Tech Cheerleader Kendall Jones’ photos of her hunting large African animals such as lions and tigers. I can think of a much more fitting punishment: it’ll involve a zoo, a fence, and some hungry hungry tigers.
  • Smallpox vials were found in an NIH storage room. If an outbreak occurs, Paris Hilton can finally complete her goal of contracting every disease on the planet.
  • Cleveland was awarded the 2016 Republican National Convention. No better city to extend a losing streak than the home of the Indians, Cavaliers, and Browns.
  • A Judge granted approval for a NFL concussion suit settlement. The NFL players can file suit as soon as they all are off probation.
  • There was a shark attack in Manhattan Beach, California. You’d bite someone too if they just showed up in your living room gyrating in a wet Speedo.
  • US Teenagers are below average in financial literacy. That’s great news for me. I’ll charge them $100 a month to read this column and they’ll think that they’re ripping me off.
  • Dick Jones, the voice of Pinnochio, died at 87. So his name was Dick, and he was the voice of a boy who’s wooden nose would grow every time he lied. There is no joke that I can make now that wasn’t made on the Pinnochio film set back in 1940.
  • Despite poll findings, there is still a big audience that isn’t tired of Sarah Palin. You can find these cretins dining at a Cracker Barrel near you.

Late Night Jokes for June 30 2014

President Obama named former Procter & Gamble CEO Bob McDonald as Secretary of Veterans Affairs.  This was seen as a wise choice, since Procter & Gamble, which manufactures Charmin Toilet Paper, is adept at cleaning up piles of shit.

During last Thursday’s World Cup game between the USA and Germany, there was a spike in USA fan mentions of the word “Nazi” on Twitter.  And during Tuesday’s round-of-sixteen game versus Belgium, team USA fans are expected to see a rise in Tweeting of the phrase “Fuck Waffles”.

The US Supreme Court has ruled 5-4 that employers have the right to refuse reproductive health care for their employees.  Interesting decision coming from a group of lawyers with six dicks and six boobs.

The plaintiff in that Supreme Court case, Oklahoma-based Hobby Lobby, rejoiced that they no longer have to provide contraception to employees.  Hobby Lobby is clearly out of touch since none of their dorky clientele ever have to worry about getting laid.

July 1st is Canada Day, the day the second-largest country in the world celebrates its independence.  So 2014 marks the 147th year of Canada being the United States’ hat.

This week, former boxer Mike Tyson turns 48 years old.  He would have made a birthday wish, but he had trouble pronouncing the word “wish”.

Star Wars filmmaker George Lucas has decided to move his planned museum from California to Chicago.  And when it opens in Chicago, the adult virginity rate is expected to skyrocket to astronomically pathetic levels.

A Cracker Barrel restaurant recently fired a Vietnam veteran-employee who gave away a corn muffin to a needy patron.  Cracker Barrel insisted that nobody is so needy that they should resort to eating at Cracker Barrel.

According to a panel of experts, Oscar Pistorius was not mentally ill when he accidentally killed his wife.  The panel all agreed that periodically after getting married, it’s normal for couples to want to kill each other.

Showtime TV show “Californication” ended after 7 seasons.  Now that the Hank Moody saga is over, the next biggest pussy magnet on TV is Matt Lauer.

A man with a 132-pound scrotum has died.  He has left behind a wife, two brothers, and seven-thousand children.

President Obama, John Boehner, and Ireland’s Prime Minister had lunch together on Capitol Hill back in March.  Apparently the Irish Prime Minister had ordered a Black and Tan.

Late Night Jokes for June 25, 2014

  • In a survey by CareerBuilder, only 14% of workers rate their bosses either a “D” or an “F”.  The other 86% aren’t allowed to use the internet while at work.
  • The US Supreme Court ruled that police may not search the mobile phones of people they arrest unless they have a search warrant.  Because of this, iTunes has listed the Ice-T classic hit, “Cop Killa” on sale for $0.99.
  • John Boehner has vowed to sue President Obama over his recent Executive Orders.   If this saga were a Netflix show, it would be called “Orange Sues the New Black”.
  • A Federal Appeals Court has ruled that Utah’s same-sex marriage ban is unconstitutional.  The reason this took so long to undo is because someone had to teach the whole state of Utah about the concept of sex.
  • Brazilian authorities forcibly displaced thousands of people from their homes and jobs to construct the facilities for the World Cup.  As a result, many soccer tourists are in the stands coping with unkempt vaginas.
  • A new Broadway musical about President Bill Clinton is coming.  No, that’s the title of the show: “Coming”.
  • LeBron James, now a free agent, is likely to be leaving the Miami Heat.  The 29-year-old star said he just wants to hog the ball with other people.
  • There are more museums in the US than there are Starbucks and McDonalds combined.  So we may be fat, diabetic, and caffeinated, but we’re curious too.

Late Night Jokes for March 7, 2014

The Colorado Rockies baseball team will be serve pot brownies at their baseball games’ concession stands.  And during the 7th inning stretch, the fans will now sing, “Take me out to the speed-ball game”.

Captain Phillips’ villain Barkhad Abdi said this week that despite that he’s an Oscar-nominated actor, he is essentially broke. He does, however, have a plan to make money—it involves a small rusty boat a few machine guns, and a ladder.

LA E-cigarette ban approved.  So once again, non-smokers in LA can talk shit behind the backs of their stinkiest friends every few minutes.A statue of the biblical Pharaoh’s daughter was unearthed in Egypt recently.   A 3,000 inscription written in heiroglyphs read, “Worthless Daughter of an Asshole.”

Actor Mark Wahlberg has reportedly lost 60 pounds in preparation for his next movie role.  See, Rebel Wilson, it’s not that hard!

A study shows that only half of milenniel-generation Moms are married.  However, there are disputes with this study, since some married mothers don’t say that they’re married on their Facebook profile.

A California Lawmaker has introduced a bill to banish live Orca Whale shows at SeaWorld. SeaWorld employees are fearful, not that SeaWorld will close, but that they’re gonna have to teach a shark to do backfilps on command without getting mauled.

According to the LA times, last week was the “wettest week in Los Angeles in the last 3 years.”  This isn’t due to the storm, it’s due to the premier of a new sex video starring Brad Pitt.

Scientists have developed a new type of sausage that is made from baby poop.  And it can be yours for $0.99 at a Taco Bell near you.

A substitute teacher at a grade school in Oklahoma has been arrested for coming to class drunk.  Administrators became suspicious of the substitute teacher after he blathered that the kids wer “fuckin awesome man, BUT I CAN KICK ALL THEIR ASSES”.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer reluctantly vetoed legislation that would have made it legal to discriminate against the LGBT community.  She would have signed it into law, but was concerned that the law wasn’t homophobic enough.

Tickets to the Burning Man Festival sold out in 45 minutes today. This will likely explain why the weird guy in the office was extremely preoccupied at about 10:00 AM and full of rage by 11:00 AM.

Late Night Jokes for February 16, 2014

The United States military has unveiled a new military armor suit that is so burly that it has been called the “iron man” suit. And this fall, the US Military is expected to replace all Humvee vehicles with Batmobiles.

This weekend, Mitt Romney said of former President Bill Clinton, “he embarrassed the nation.” Romney then added that his five children are living proof that he himself has only had sex five times.

On Friday, a man gave his dying wife one of his kidneys on Valentines Day. But because he was sedated for the surgery, he forgot to call his mother in law and he’s now in deep shit.

At the Sochi Olympics, the US Men’s Hockey team beat the home-town Russian hockey team in a shoot out. While some say this is analogous to the 1980 Miracle on Ice, the only real miracle is that President Vladimir Putin let the victorious US team leave the arena with all of their fingers still attached.

The new “Lego Movie” earned $60 Million at the box office this past weekend. It is reported that the two main demographics at the movie have been ecstatic children, and their bored angry parents.

Facebook is now offering custom gender answers for the profiles of users who do not identify as simply male or female. To appease their users who oppose this change, Facebook has said if you disagree with this, we will replace your selected gender with “bigot asshole”.

Late Night Jokes for October 12, 2013

In Government shutdown news, President Obama and John Boehner have agreed that both sides need to keep talking…shit about each other behind their back.

A recent study showed that men are more concerned than women about penis size. The survey was conducted with Hummer owners, reality TV stars, and Anthony Weiner.

Reality TV star Bruce Jenner was recently photographed sporting a pony tail. When asked why he wore a pony tail, he said that he and ex-wife Kris enjoyed playing pin the tail on the dickhead.

Breaking Bad props were auctioned at a fundraiser which grossed nearly $1 million. One bidder offered $10,000 for a pair of Walter White’s tighty-whities. He later demanded his money back, citing clear evidence that the undies have been since washed.

A brand-new Cadillac ELR for 2014 will cost almost $80,000. Their slogan will be “Now for Pimps AND Retirees”.

Charlie Hunnam, who was slated to play Christian Grey in the upcoming film adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Grey”, has dropped the project. He said it was a a difficult decision to make, especially because the film will literally whoop-ass.

The Boston Red Sox will play the Detroit Tigers for a shot at the World Series. Many people are rooting for the Red Sox to win it all, particularly because it will prove that there was no 80 year curse of the billy goat, the Red Sox just sucked for two generations.

A study has shown that extra sleep on the weekend does not replace sleep lost during the weeknights. People that need extra sleep would have issued a counter argument, but they were too irritable to dispute the study.

National Geographic is running a story about how African Elephants can understand and respond to human gestures. Among the most recognizable human gestures garnering an elephant response involves a human driving a Jeep with a passenger brandishing a chainsaw and dart gun.

Late Night Jokes for October 11, 2013

Swimmer Diana Nyad reported that while she swam 90 miles from Cuba to Florida, she hallucinated scenes from “The Wizard of Oz”. Because of this, Nyad is now being investigated for LSD-coated steroids.

Since the beginning of 2013, World of Warcraft subscriptions have declined by 20%. At the same time, the nerdiest people in the world are reporting higher incidences of getting their first kiss.

Senator John McCain blamed the government shut down on the Tea Party. People have been agreeing with Senator McCain, particularly because he was at the original Boston Tea Party.

The Jonas Brothers have cancelled upcoming tour dates, spurring rumors of a possible break-up over diverging musical tastes. It appears that one brother wants to pursue rap, the second wants folk music, and the third brother wants to focus on becoming a musician.

Studies have shown Chicken McNuggets at McDonalds contain less than 50% chicken meat. To be fair, the word “chicken” is only 7 letters, while “McNuggets” is 9.

McDonalds will be distributing over 20 Million books as part of a new Happy Meal promotion. Here’s a few of the book titles
“Everybody Poops… A lot After a Happy Meal”
“Goodnight Sixpack”
“Bypass Surgery: The New McPlayground”

A study shows that viewing too many foods on Instagram can affect your taste buds to crave saltier, crunchier unhealthy foods. The study also shows that viewing too many sunsets on Instagram can cause viewers to crave saltier, crunchier sunsets.

Late Night Jokes for October 7, 2013

As of now, members of Congress have altogether earned nearly $2 million since the Government shutdown began.  That’s almost as much money as Detroit Lions defensive end Ndamukong Suh plans on getting fined this week.

The upcoming Tom Hanks film, “Captain Phillips” about a cargo ship hijacked by Somalian pirates, has been described as “Oscar-worthy”.   The movie’s tagline is “Finally A New Pirate Movie without Johnny Depp”.

Officials say a brush fire on Camp Pendleton Marine Corps base is only 41% contained.  It is expected that more Marine Corps Drill Sergeants will be shipped to the scene to call the brush fire a “weak orange pussy” until it quits.

A recent article pointed out that there has recently been a 61% increase in jokes during Supreme Court proceedings.  It is no surprise that the majority of the jokes have been cracked by Jewish Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg.  The least jokey member of the Supreme Court is still Associate Justice Clarence Thomas—-he never talks but has been known to play a dick-and-pubes prank every now and then.

The Mormon Church now boasts more members than the Jewish community in the United States.  However, the Jews still control 12% of the U.S. Senate,  5% of the House of Representatives, and 98% of any given comedy scene.

KISS bassist, Gene Simmons, claimed that Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse are wrongly given icon status just because they died young.   Simmons then claimed that he himself was as iconic as Mozart, Beethoven, and that ghoulish woman who plays bass for the band KISS.

The Federal Reserve will be re-designing the $100 bill.  One of the signature features will be a new photo of Benjamin Franklin offering $100 to a Revolution-era prostitute.

A nine-year-old boy boarded a plane in Minneapolis without a boarding pass and ended up in Las Vegas.  The boy has been identified as Kevin MacCallister.

Late Night Jokes for October 5, 2013

The film adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Grey” has been casted. Kris Jenner will be playing the role of “leather whip”.

Fiction writer Tom Clancy passed away this week. The US Government vowed to carry out his legacy by letting the NSA keep doing what they do best.

The Government shutdown has resulted in the closing of all National Parks across the United States. As a result, millions of wild animals are happy as shit.

A woman from Georgia has been revealed to be the voice of the Apple operating system’s Siri. She also said that she was lost and needed driving directions back home.

Chris Brown admitted that he lost his virginity at the age of 8. He didn’t have intercourse, he just beat up a girl he loved for the first time.

Virgin Galactic has agreed to create a reality TV series with NBC where the winner gets to travel to space. The show is going to be called “The Real Dumbasses of the International Space Station”.

A research team in Dallas is claiming to have scientific proof that Big Foot is real. Still, the Texas-based researchers are convinced that evolution is just a myth.

A spray for treating pre-mature ejaculation could overtake Viagra as the world’s leading sex-medication. The active ingredient in the spray is whiskey. Ouch.

Late Night Jokes for October 1, 2013

Apple and Google have now overtaken Coca-Cola as the most popular brands in the United States. And when Congress re-convenes, the national motto of the United States will be changed from “E Pluribus Unum” to “Come for the WiFi, Stay for the Soda”.

Some people are concerned that the new Health Care marketplace opening today will lead to overcrowding at doctor’s offices. But in order to sign up, you need internet access. So rest assured, the internet mandate will still keep millions of poor impoverished Americans from getting health care.

A tabloid is reporting that Justin Bieber was carried up the Great Wall of China by his body guards. But it wasn’t before long that Bieber’s body guards started to brawl with Mongolian warriors.

Scarlett Johansson admitted that her SAT score was slightly above average . . . this was corroborated by the guy who took the SAT for her —-claiming Scarlet was “slightly above average at giving hand jobs”.

Universal will be releasing a movie version of the computer game, “World of Warcraft” in late 2015. Producers are worried, however, that the only people who would see a World of Warcraft movie might not go because they’ll be too busy playing World of Warcraft.

The Federal Government shutdown last night has resulted in 800,000 federal workers to be furloughed without pay. At the National Forest Service headquarters, Smokey the Bear was spotted at the front door shouting “c’mon let me in, I left my cigarettes at my desk!”

The inaugural YouTube Music Awards will be headlined by Lady Gaga and Eminem in November. The other featured headliner will be a 12-year-old middle-schooler playing Lady Gaga and Eminem dubstep mash-ups off his Macbook Air.

Late Night Jokes for September 30, 2013

The finale to AMC’s “Breaking Bad” drew 10.3 Million Viewers last night . . . the 300 million Americans not watching were too busy making meth.

The production to the CNN documentary on Hillary Clinton was suspended today. The producers thought that the portrayal of Bill was just way too big.

Philadelphia and Washington, DC have each started exploratory committees to host the 2024 olympics. DC has said they will instigate a new event, the 200-meter mugging. And Philly said they will start a new event called “Team Yelling Obscenities While Wearing Facepaint”.

OJ Simpson is back in the news. He penned an Op/Ed titled, “I May Be Civilly Liable for Two Murders, but I Never Took Steriods.

Starting this week, will no longer accept comments on new articles. When asked why they got rid of comments, Popular science said it was because “comments are gay lol”.

Scientists may have discovered a better treatment for the Ebola virus. As a result, Dustin Hoffmann is looking to make a sequel to “Outbreak”—90 minutes of people just getting vaccinations injected into their butt.

A study has shown that when venturing to the beach, you have to be alert for sewage. The study also said that you have to be sure not to go blind when a stretch-marked tattooed person asks you to put extra sunscreen on their hairy back moles.

The bodyguards of Tom Brady and his wife Giselle are facing gun charges after an incident at the couple’s wedding. Brady is going to write a book about the situation called, “all my friends are murderers.”

Clint Eastwood and his wife Diana have split. They have said they want to yell racial slurs at kids with other people.

Late Night Jokes for September 5, 2013

Today is not only the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashana, but it’s also opening day for the NFL season. This means that it wasn’t a very happy new year for Aaron Hernandez’s legal defense team.

Yesterday, a news anchor accidentally hung up on Oprah while he was interviewing her. Oprah said that it happens all the time, like whenever she orders a pizza and asks for it to be delivered to Oprah Winfrey’s house.

At a Senate Foreign Affairs hearing on Syria, Senator John McCain was spotted playing poker on his iPhone. This is an a new era for the Arizona Senator, who in his early days as Senator would typically be spotted rubbing two sticks together just to stay warm.

A five year old boy in China has become the youngest person ever to fly an airplane. The first place he flew to was a Toys R Us…assembly plant.

In Texas, a snake was spotted in a Starbucks. When the 911 operator asked the barista what the critter looked like, the barista said “venti with two pumps of hazelnut”.

Tim Robbins, star of The Shawshank Redemption, has begun teaching acting classes to inmates at a California prison. The first class involved crawling through a pipe full of shit and acting like you don’t mind.

Actor Will Smith said today that he would consider acting in the movie Independence Day 2. Producers assured him the movie won’t flop, particularly because his son Jaden will not be asked to be in the movie.

A photo was published by the White House of President Obama on the phone with his foot rested on the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. When asked why, the President defended, “How else do you expect me to scrape the dog shit off my boots?”

Late Night Jokes for August 28, 2013

The New York Times website was attacked by computer hackers yesterday. This was discovered when the headline on their website read “Print Industry Doing Awesome”.

People have compared the United States’ response to the conflict in Syria to Bush and Cheney’s response to the Iraq War. When asked for their opinions now, Cheney said “I hate Syria”, and Bush said similarly, “I ate cereal too.”

The members of NSync have said that they have no plans of reuniting in the forseeable future. But don’t give up hope, NSync fans. They may still get back together in the year 2030 for their Menopausal Madness tour.

A woman in Florida taking a road-side sobriety test stole the police deputy’s patrol vehicle. She thought that there is no better way to prove that you’re not drunk driving than to get behind the wheel and show ’em first hand.

Celebrity couple Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are reportedly separating. They said they just want to spread HPV to other people.

Today, a rally was held at the Lincoln Memorial to mark the 50th Anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream Speech”. Today also marks the three-year anniversary of Glenn Beck’s cowardly rebuttal to King’s speech.

The Los Angeles School District is considering getting iPads for students. This is happening because schools were complaining that some students had an unfair advantage at learning to procrastinate.

There is a rumor that this September, Apple will be releasing a gold-colored iPhone. Apple executives are hoping that this will make the iPhone just a little bit more likely to be stolen on the street.

Wal-Mart has finally extended health-care benefits to workers that are same-sex couples. Don’t get too excited, it’s cheap knock-off Wal-Mart health care.

JD Salinger’s estate will be releasing posthumous books by the year 2020. Thus proving that not only humans, but books themselves can be reclusive.

A horrific story in China: a woman took her son into a field and gouged out his eyes. Just a quick survey, what objects—besides eyes—are capable of being gouged out? Or does gouging refer solely to eyes?

Speaking of horrific wordplay, The Oxford Dictionary has added the word “selfie” to its list of new words for 2013. The definition will be, “a photograph taken of and by a self-absorbed narcissist with a smartphone.”

Go Where No Jew Has Ever Gone Before

Up for Grabs…. Jewish Firsts that Have Yet To Happen

Jews looking to pad their LinkedIn profiles with accomplishments still have a wide field of opportunity to become the first Jew to do something.

Here’s a list of ten things you can still be the “first Jew” to do:   

  • First Jew to walk on the moon.  (1)  
  • First Jew to be President of the University of Notre Dame. (2)
  • First Jew to get stripped of a Grammy.  (3)
  • First Jew to win a gold medal in the equestrian events at the Summer Olympics. (4)
  • First Jew to play bass for the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  (5) 
  • First Jew to lose five Super Bowls as head coach.  (6)
  • First Jew to play a villain opposite Mel Gibson in a Lethal Weapon movie.  (7)
  • First Jew to defeat Floyd Mayweather in the boxing ring.  (8)
  • First Jew to sleep with Pauly Shore.  (9)
  • First Jew to eat 80 matzo balls in 8 minutes.  (10)

(1)  Although a Jew has yet to walk on the Moon, the first Jewish American in Space was Judith Resnick in 1984. 
(2)  Didn’t even bother to fact check this one.  Just assuming.
(3)  Still Rob and Fab from Mili Vanilli are the sole proprietors of this infamous title.
(4)  Although Jews have won gold medals in most Olympic events, no member of the tribe has won gold while on horseback.  Swimmer Dara Torres has the most Olympic medals for a Jew:  12.
(5)  The Red Hot Chili Peppers have had two Jewish guitarists:  The late Hillel Slovak and current Guitarist Josh Klinghoffer. 
(6)  Coach Marv Levy is the only Jewish head coach to lose four Super Bowls—consecutively—with the Buffalo Bills (1991-1994). 
(7)  Guaranteed to keep Mel Gibson out of show business forever. 
(8)  Pretty Boy Mayweather is undefeated.
(9)  We are pretty sure he is still a virgin.

(10)  The current record is held by non-Jew Joey Chestnut:  78. 

Jewish Cartoon Spotlight: Kyle Broflovski from “South Park”

Our first Jewish cartoon spotlight, Kyle Broflovski, is one of the four main characters from Comedy Central’s all-time most successful show, South Park.

Kyle has appeared in every episode since South Park first aired in August 1997.   He is distinguished from the other main characters by his green hat and orange winter coat.  Kyle is also modeled after the show’s co-creator Matt Stone who was raised Jew(ish) in Littleton, Colorado.  He sports a Jewfro similar to that of Stone before the stress of 237 episodes left him with a scaled-back do.

That Jewfro gets temporarily coiffed into a Pauly-D style in the show’s fourteenth season, when we learn that Kyle’s Jewish mother is originally from New Jersey.

Gerald Broflovski, Kyle’s father, is an attorney and is always seen wearing a kippah–at home, in the courtroom, and even in the hot tub.

Kyle also has a younger brother Ike, who was born in Canada and adopted into the family.

We get to meet Kyle’s cousin from New York that he can’t stand:  Kyle Schwartz.  Schwartz’ neuroses and raspy voice are likely modeled after Jewish filmmaker Woody Allen.

At all times during the year, a menorah can be seen displayed in the living room of the Broflovski home.

Kyle’s Jewish identity has been featured prominently in several episodes:

“Mr. Hankey” (S1E9)  In the winter of South Park’s first season, Kyle laments feeling ostracized by his town as he sings “It’s Hard to Be a Jew on Christmas”.

“Jewbilee” (S3E9):  Kyle takes his non-Jewish pal Kenny to a Jewish scouting camp.

“The Passion of the Jew” (S8E3):   Kyle confronts Mel Gibson about false depictions of Jewish people in his film, The Passion of the Christ.

“Jewpacabra” (S16E4):  Kyle experiences Passover as his malicious cohort, Eric Cartman claims that the eighty-day festival is a threat to Easter egg hunts.

Cartman is Kyle’s primary nemesis on the show.  Often the voice of ignorance, Cartman taunts Kyle and is quick to use Kyle’s religion as a pejorative.  While Cartman’s outlandish and intentionally offensive characterizations of Kyle have become more gratuitous over the years, by the denouement of each episode, Cartman is duly punished for his anti-semetic school-yard slanders.

Kyle and his fellow South Park characters do not age on the show, although they did graduate from third grade to fourth grade in the fourth season.  It might be nice to see what happens when Kyle finally gets Bar Mitzvahed.

While there has been no indication of this, we will have to wait and see what adventures Kyle is up to with his buddies when South Park’s 17th season premiers on September 25.

Reruns of South Park are aired every day on Comedy Central.  Also, while it is not on Netflix, you can watch every episode of the show on their official website,

Late Night Jokes for Memorial Day Weekend, Part 1

  • The CEO of Apple Tim Cook testified in the Senate this week.  And John McCain asked Mr. Cook why the Apps always need to be updated.  Tim Cook told the senator, “Because sometimes, when things get old, useless, and out of date, they need to be replaced.  Ahemmm.”
  • In high school, President Obama signed a girl’s yearbook by calling her “sweet” and “foxy”.  He finished the message by writing, “If I were President, I’d make you secretary of handjobs.”
  • A top political expert says that the Toronto Mayor Rob Ford caught smoking crack on video is a “pretty good mayor”.  As a result, a leading candidate to run for Mayor next year is Lindsey Lohan.
  • Pope Frances said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven.  Yup, as long as they donate enough of their annual paycheck to the Church.
  • A new poll finds that the least popular country in the world is Iran.  Because of this, Kim Jong Un told his North Korea cabinet, “guys, we’re doing something wrong…”
  • In Pennsylvania, a couple stabbed each other in an argument over who should win American Idol.  Because of this, TLC is now going to start a new TV series called, “White Trash Watching Trashy TV”.
  • An 80 year old Japanese man has become the oldest person to climb Mount Everest.  Unfortunately, none of his friends cared because he still can’t figure out how to upload pictures to Facebook.  And they’re all dead.
  • In China, Chinese authorities arrested almost a thousand people for selling counterfeit meat.  In a related story, McDonalds around the world wide are reporting a burger shortage.
  • JC Penny has new ads for thanking customers for “coming back to us”.  This came after they axed their last slogan, “The economy is shit, so why don’t you let us dress you like shit.”
  • Some Taco Bell restaurants are testing out new breakfast tacos.  It’s all part of a new partnership between Taco Bell and Pepto Bismol.
  • A new study says couples who have a sex schedule are more likely to stay together.  Hence, the popular foreplay line, “hey baby, have my Secretary pencil you in.”
  • 42% of Americans have an unfavorable view of hipsters.  The other 58% said that they have an opinion on hipsters, but it’s too obscure for you to understand.

Late Night Jokes for April 1, 2013

  • Today, 35,000 children and their parents will be descending upon the White House lawn for the annual Easter Egg Roll.  The event’s slogan is “witnessing thousands of children is really just live-action birth control”.
  • A former NBC news correspondent has called local news outlets a “waste of time”.  Don’t worry, local news outlets.  This guy is just bitter, angry and right.
  • Conservative columnist Bill Kristol has dismissed gay marriage as ‘pathetic to embrace views of some 26-year-old who doesn’t know anything’.  Kristol neglected to comment on what it’s like to be a 60-year-old noisemaker who has made a career out of being furiously wrong all the time.
  • Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano says that she does not use email in her job.  This makes sense, because using email would go against the Department of Homeland Security’s mantra of never doing things quickly or  make sense.
  • Doctors are urging the FDA to restrict caffeine in energy drinks.  The FDA said that they will have those restrictions made, but they will need a few cases of Red Bull to get it all done.
  • GAO says there’s a higher risk for accidents and violations at anthrax and bio terror labs due to low government regulation and standards.  Currently, the only safety regulations is to have staff watch clips of the movie “Outbreak“.
  • Bill Clinton says he wishes he had supported gay marriage when he was president.  He said it could have been much more politically helpful than engaging in straight-up adultery.
  • Another member of SEAL Team Six has come forward and said Bin Laden was unarmed when he was shot.  He also said that SEAL Team Six received their training from the LAPD.
  • Parts of the Berlin Wall have been removed despite protests from David Hasslehoff.  Apparently, the former actor left  his career in one of the concrete panels.
  • Victoria’s Secret is coming under fire for targeting children with its new slogan “bright young things”.  So, instead Victoria’s Secret will market themselves to the older crowd with the slogan, “bitter old snatches”.
  • A man won an $8000 settlement after getting stuck on the It’s a Small World ride at Disney World.  He then got nominated for the William Howard Taft award for “fat guy who got stuck in something famous”.
  • A new study says herpes may lead to memory loss.  This was discovered after many afflicted participants responded, “I can’t remember who I last went down on…”
  • Scientists are speculating the dinosaurs had sex on their sides to avoid their mates spiked tails.  This is in contrast to humans that have sex on their side because they haven’t been practicing their push-ups.

Late Night Jokes for March 25, 2013 – The Passover Edition

  • Today marks the first day of the Jewish festival of Passover.  So for the next week, Jewish people worldwide will be abstaining from leavened bread, and consuming copious amounts of matzah.  Experts predict an increase in constipation at Synagogue bathrooms over the next seven days.
  • Last week, Twitter turned seven years old.  Makes sense, especially because most tweets look like they were written by a seven year old.
  • A fake pilot was arrested aboard a US Airways flight.  When police asked why he pretended to be a pilot, he said he just didn’t feel like getting his balls grabbed by TSA.
  • Fifty Shades of Grey author EL James says she will “turn down the sex heat” on her next novel.   The working title is “Twilight”.
  • A US Centers for Disease Control study shows that many mothers in the U.S. start infants on solid foods — including peanut butter, meat, and french fries — earlier than experts recommend.  The study also shows that many fathers introduce infants to f-bombs, fart jokes, and professional wrestling too early as well.
  • Republican Senator Rand Paul is saying now that kids should not be sent to jail for drug crimes.  He did add an exception to this, saying he will support jail time for drug crimes if the perpetrator is a gay female immigrant environment advocate.
  • A University of Michigan employee has been caught running a child slavery ring.  While in Ann Arbor court, the judge read the verdict:  “Jail to the slavery-drivers, Jail to the no-wage payers, jail jail in Michigan, the leaders and the best.”
  • New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has vowed to win the fight to ban assault weapons.  Of course, in New York, the most surefire way to win anything is to just have George Steinbrenner cut a check.  Shave your beards, assault weapons!
  • The Washington Post has a come under fire for not publishing an article criticizing the media for not condemning the Bush Administration’s rush to war in 2002.  Instead, the Post ran a classic editorial with the headline, “Buy a New Car, Go On Vacation, and Support What Mr. Cheney Says, Otherwise, the Terrorists Win”.
  • The MTV Video Music Awards will be held at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn this year.  As a result, there will be a few new award categories:  Hipster of the Year, Best Song That No One’s Heard Of, and Most Irritating Use of Ironic Humor Award.
  • Bill Gates’ foundation has issued a challenge to reinvent the condom to something that feels even better than not using one at all.   When reached for comment, Gates was overheard whispering to his wife Melinda, “I can’t believe they fell for that shit!”

Late Night Jokes for March 15, 2013 – The New Pope Edition

  • So we have a new Pope….521 years after Columbus, the Catholic Church finally poaches a Pope from The New World.
  • If I lived in the Sistine Chapel, I’d take an Instagram pic of the the original Menorah from the Temple that the Romans destroyed 2,000 years ago.  Aww too soon?
  • Currently, the world is anxiously awaiting to hear what awesome stuff the new Pope opposes.
  • The Beach Boys have already penned a song about the new Pope: “The Little Old Man from Argentina” Go, granny, go.
  • Unfortunately, Dennis Rodman was not selected as the new Pope. He could have gotten the Catholic Church to REBOUND from recent scandal.

Okay in other news involving hollow people…

  • Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush called the Media “Crack addicts”.  So I guess abducted white girls and thunderstorm warnings are the new crack.
  • Facebook has redesigned its newsfeed to act more like a social newspaper.  To compete with this, the New York Times will be adding more cat pictures to their main section.
  • President Obama took republicans out to dinner Thursday night and then picked up the tab.  The republicans then called him a socialist for sharing his money.
  • Rumors are spreading around the world that North Korea has threatened to nuke the United States.  We found out about this after the CIA waterboarded Dennis Rodman.
  • Last week, horse meat was discovered in Ikea’s meatballs.  Today it was discovered in Ikea’s hot dogs.  Ikea said that the meatballs are returnable for a cash refund, as long as it is in its original mislabeled packaging.
  • In the Netherlands, a man is being accused of turning a gym into a brothel.  Officials became suspicious when the only workout machine was the leg-spreader.
  • Justin Bieber went on a twitter rant and listed things he is annoyed about.  #1 is the media, #2 is the paparazzi, and #3 are the bouncers at the 18 and up clubs that think he is only 12.
  • Scientists have made a robot that can make cookies.  The robot is being called “The average American”.

Late Night Jokes for March 7, 2013

  • A poll shows that most American Catholics want the new Pope to be younger and hipper.  So the next Pope is going to be Anne Hathaway and James Franco.  Cuz that worked SO well for the Oscars.
  • Wrangler has come out with a new set of jeans that fight cellulite as you wear them.  In other news, Wrangler’s new spokesperson is Adele.
  • A new study shows that senior citizens that play video games are happier.  So who knew that throwing your Wii remote at Grandma is good for your health?
  • Larry King’s replacement, Piers Morgan, reports that he gets death threats every day.  The 79-year-old Larry King said to this, “Piers, don’t be such a wimp!  Death threatens me every day as well.”
  • Beef Products, Incorporated—the maker of chemically nefarious pink slime that holds together fast-food beef, is suing ABC and Diane Sawyer, claiming that her story led to a loss in profits.  Beef Products’ lawyer plans on using the “freedom to make the public fat and sick” defense.
  • At a recent auction Leonardo DiCaprio won a “night with Bill Clinton”.  The two of them are planning on hitting LA clubs and stealing women from unsuspecting millionaires, and then dying on a cruise ship.
  • A health advocacy group is criticizing the Cheesecake Factory for offering meals that have over 3000 calories.  They say they should change the name to The Cheesecake and Eventually Diabetes Factory.
  • The director of Zero Dark Thirty has come out against torture.   And to that, she apologized to the public for torturing the public with her last movie The Hurt Locker.
  • An American worker was fired for paying someone in China to do his job for him.  And then Mitt Romney woke up from his slumber and realized it was all a dream and he’s not actually president.
  • A new version of MySpace launched yesterday.  It’s a much simpler format than before.  It’s now just a single page that says “go to Facebook, we surrender.”
  • Dunkin Donuts plans to expand into Southern California.   It’s all part of their new business model to turn more hotties into fatties.
  • Subway customers are complaining that the foot-long sub is only 11 inches.  Customers are also complaining that they are getting picky at subway.
  • A world wide legal organization has called for the legalization of prostitution.  If this happens, the world’s most mass-produced industry—oil—will be over taken by nookie.
  • Joseph Lotus, head of the New York subway system, might run for mayor next year.  His opponents look forward to tying him to the wretched smell of piss in the system.

Late Night Jokes for March 4, 2013

  • Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II has been hospitalized due to a stomach infection.  You hear that?  Even the Queen of England gets diarrhea.
  • The movie Jack the Giant Slayer, based on the story Jack and the Beanstalk, is projected to do poorly at the box office, despite costing $195 Million to make.  Let this be a message to all of you filmmakers:  we the public are tired of your big-budget special effects ripoffs of children’s literature.  If you’re going to make a $200 million movie based on a kids book, make one called “Everybody Poops:  The Movie”.  Then people won’t look at me funny anymore when I call these unoriginal special effects orgies “shitty”.
  • The FBI released its files on Whitney Houston today.  Nothing new, though, just a series of old Access Hollywood VHS tapes from 1992.
  • The state of Michigan has appointed an emergency fiscal manager to help the ailing economy of Detroit.  In his first televised speech on the job, he announced that he will be spending the city’s last $138.57 on PowerBall Tickets.
  • A private investor is starting an enterprise to send a couple to do year and a half journey to Mars and back.  First they will have to design a spaceship, which will have to have special accommodations to trim pubic regions in zero gravity.
  • A guy from a town called North Freedom, Wisconsin accidentally shot himself in the foot while drunk.  People don’t often mention it, but freedom allows people to do really stupid shit.
  • Charlie sheen will welcome Lindsey Lohan to his show as a guest.  Cocaine dealers are lining up for product placements during the show.
  • Steven Tyler of Aerosmith defended Beyonce’s lip-synching at inauguration.  Because if you need anyone’s advice about lips, it’s Steven Tyler.
  • Arnold Schwartzenegger has signed onto a new Terminator film.  It’s going to be called, Terminator 5:  How to Terminate Your Marriage and Still Get the Chores Done.
  • A Japanese official has said that in order for the country to save money, elderly people should “hurry up and die”.  We have that in America—it’s called Paul Ryan’s medicare plan.
  • A new study shows that New York City is doing better than Los Angeles at eliminating childhood obesity.  Who would have thought being a bagel snob is better for your weight than being a fashion snob.
  • Kim Kardashian said that she will not allow cameras in the delivery room when she has her baby.  It would be nothing new, since most of the world has already seen her crotch.
  • Facebook’s Mark Zuckerburg demonstrated recently how the website’s new search function will help single people find more single people.  Unfortunately, the new function does nothing to hide the shame that you will have met your date on Facebook.

Late Night Jokes for February 26, 2013

  • Seth MacFarlane said that he will not host the Oscars again.  So in other words, the Oscars are going to give being unfunny and sterile a try again next year.
  • A 24-year-old father at a Van Nuys, California was arrested for leaving his 2-year-old daughter in his pick-up truck. His defense was, “changing poopy diapers in the strip club would have really hurt my chances of hooking up with a stripper.”
  • The International Olympic Committee has dropped Wrestling from the 2020 Olympics.   The sport is not likely to return unless some combination of jello, mud, or nudity is involved.
  • A 7th-grader attached a Hello Kitty doll to a balloon and sent it to space for a science fair project.  Although the contraption was complicated and expensive, the girl was flunked because her parents clearly did the project for her.
  • A study says that Alcohol consumption may ward-off dementia.  And for non-alcohol drinkers, vomiting and beating one’s family members is also a great way to ward-off dementia.
  • Actor Steven Segal has been educating Arizona security officers on martial arts.  After that, Segal got to be a guest lecturer on the secrets to filming flop movies and winning Razzies.
  • A new study says that sex makes people happiest.  In a close second was free WiFi and watching footage of other people having sex.
  • Ikea has been caught selling Swedish meatballs containing horse meat.  Their spokesman’s defense was “It could be worse, Bed Bath and Beyond’s meatballs contain human meat”.
  • A technology publication has said that iPhones should be protected from winter weather.  So now Paris Hilton won’t be the only materialistic weasel that shops for NorthFace coats for her iPhone.
  • A new study says that human brains can remember a blog post much better than a novel.  So the next 50 Shades of Grey novel will be about combining bondage and cat videos.

Late Night Jokes for February 13, 2013

  • Former President George HW Bush’s computer was hacked last week.  The surprising part of the story is that the 88-year-old George HW Bush knows how to use a computer.  Or in this case, he has a computer, but will click on anything because he’s an old fart with useless kids.  And married to the Quaker Oats guy.
  • Harlem shuffle is becoming viral this week, being called “the latest dance craze”.  Let’s just call it by it’s real name:  the 2013 Macarena.
  • Ted Nugent was at the State of the Union address this week.  At the speech Ted served as a living example of the work America still has to do to combat illiteracy, drugs, racism, and body odor.
  • The most popular dog breed of 2012 was the Labrador retriever, according to a survey. The survey also said the least popular dog of 2012 was Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas.
  • A hot dog at PINKS Hot Dogs Stand in LA will be named after Olympian Ryan Lochte. It’s called the “Dumbass Swimmer Dog”.  And it comes with a side of “whatever heh”.
  • A DC bar is having a ‘shred pics of your exes’ nite on valentines day.  Annnnd Taylor Swift just threw up in her mouth.
  • The makers of both Budweiser and Corona have been talking about a merger. Their first new beer brand together will be called “PissLite”. Good with lime.
  • Recently, Prince Charles rode the London subway for the first time in decades.  To get the full experience on the famed Tube, Prince Charles hit on a lasse, busked for pounds, and jerked off twice.
  • Senator John Kerry was confirmed for Secretary of State, replacing Hilary Rodham Clinton.   His first duty will be to rename the position, “Secretary of Brilliant Foreign Affairs Genius That Bitterly Missed Out on Becoming President.”
  • So Chris Brown jumped Frank Ocean in a fight in LA.  But in the long run, Frank will jump Chris Brown in record sales, decency, and time not spent in prison.
  • Apparently it’s still illegal in Virginia for unmarried couples to live together.  So many courts are starting to hear the legal defense, “We’re not dating, we’re legally just roommates that f%$k”.
  • Tom Brady & Giselle now have a moat at their new home. Good. I hope they’re trapped there and can have bad second-place sex in solitude for all eternity.
  • The week of the Super Bowl was the 168th anniversary of Edger Allen Poe’s The Raven. The Baltimore Ravens would have found this inspiring for Super Bowl week, if only they could read.
  • Republicans want proof that President Obama ever went skeet shooting. Sounds fair, as long as republicans can prove that George W. Bush actually read 100 books in his last year

Late Night Jokes for January 16, 2013

  • A record storm might hit Washington, DC this week.  It’s called Hurricane SlapHappy Inauguration Tourists.
  • University of Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o is in trouble after faking having a girlfriend with a terminal illness.  He said having a fake girlfriend with a terminal illness is almost as bad as playing football for a school with a dying self-important reputation.
  • The world is awaiting the highly anticipated interview between Lance Armstrong and Oprah Winfrey.  Insiders say the interview will be 120 minutes of tips on how to lose weight using a bicycle and steroids.
  • President Obama is struggling with the Debt Ceiling.  If a solution isn’t reached, Republicans have threatened to continue to not cooperate until people like Obama less than them.
  • Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke four words for the first time on the bench in 7 years.  Those words were, “I just farted, everyone.”  (See THE COMEDY NEWS)
  • Wal-Mart announced plans to hire 100,000 U.S. veterans.  Wal-Mart said their motivation stems from not wanting Congress to be the only ones to deny our troops health care.
  • A survivalist group is trying to build a gated community which could hold up to 7,000 like-minded families.  They plan on calling themselves, “The state of Wyoming”.
  • The makers of a Star Wars video game are making a new version that features a gay planet.  The gay planet’s love interest will be a dumb planet named Earth.
  • Former Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich has been hired by Fox News.  We always knew Fox News was run by very small men, but now they’ve gone a bit literal.

Late Night Jokes for January 14, 2013 – Golden Globes Recap

  • During Jodie Foster’s speech at the Golden Globes, she said she was gay, 50, and friends with Mel Gibson.  To that, Mel Gibson said, “At least she didn’t say she was Jewish”.
  • Mel Gibson attended the Golden Globes on Sunday.  While seated next to Steven Spielberg, Mel Gibson tried to convince him that Schindler’s List was not based on a true story.
  • Some places in America reached record low temperatures on this week. Because of this, it was reported that “hey, dontcha think this weather sucks” was the most common pick-up line on Monday.
  • Many people in Southern California have been completely unprepared for the bitter cold.  In fact, skateboarder Tony Hawk put snow chains on his skateboard.
  • President Obama is coming under fire because his current administration has less diversity than his first one.  In a related story, Joe Biden had a tree house on the White House lawn constructed, and on the doorway a sign  read “NO GUЯLS ALLOWED”.
  • Steven Tyler and his fiancé have split up.  His fiancé left him after Tyler ruined her birthday party by singing her his hit song “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”.
  • Israel made weight minimums for their model industry to eliminate ultrathin models.  So the next centerfold in the Israeli version of Playboy will feature a model nicknamed Holly Challah-Ass.
  • Biologists say that wet fingers evolved to become wrinkly for a better grip.  But these days, wet fingers indicate to humans that it’s time to get the hell out of the shower, you’re using up too much hot water.

Late Night Jokes for the Weekend of January 11-13

  • On Friday, instead of saying TGIF, people were saying TGIFCSS…. Thank God It’s Friday Cough Spit Sleep.
  • I saw ‘Zero Dark Thirty‘ today.  I’ll spoil the ending for you: as the credits roll, footage of Mitt Romney winning the Presidency is shown.  Kind of a fantasy film.
  • Vice-President Joe Biden met with video game producers to talk about gun violence.  The Vice-President says that he expects to get some good debating done, as soon as he’s finished shooting ten rounds of Big Buck Hunter.
  • The Congressional delegation from the state of Hawaii has no Christian members currently.  So they’re changing the state motto to, “a Jew, a Hindu, and two Buddhists walk into congress to represent Hawaii…”
  • The erotica novel, Fifty Shades of Grey will be coming out in hard cover this spring.  The publishers are going to call it the Hard Like A Boner Edition.
  • McDonalds locations in Great Britain will be giving out Happy Meals with books instead of toys.  This way, British children can grow up fat and dorky, instead of fat and happy.
  • Public schools in the state of Maryland have topped the national rankings for the fifth straight year.  This proves a correlation between decent schools with crab cakes and lousy professional football.
  • A ‘drinking mirror’ app has been released, which shows drinkers what they will look like in ten years based on a photo and their drinking habits.  What really scares the drinkers is pictures of ugly people and what they look like to you after you’ve downed a few drinks.
  • Earlier this week, the iPhone turned six years old.  To celebrate this, Apple will be giving iPhones away to six-year-olds, so they can get started wasting their life away too.
  • Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor complains in her new memoir that a drawback to living in DC instead of her native New York is that getting food delivery takes much longer.  To this, Justice Clarence Thomas suggested that a good way to make for more food preparation time is to completely stop preparing for oral arguments altogether.  It’s worked for him for twenty years.

Late Night Jokes for January 5, 2013

  • The Packers will be playing the Vikings at Lambeau Field this weekend, where the game time temperature will be below 30 degrees.  Vikings defensive end, Jared Allen is excited to play, for he will finally learn  the freezing temperature of white-trash.
  • Washington DC is now ranked among the top ten drunkest cities in the United States.  So it’s not that Congress is stupid, it’s just they’re really drunk all the time.  And they’re stupid.  (STORY)
  • Congress finally passed the Fiscal Cliff this week.  Or as Fox News’ audience who don’t read newspapers called it, “the Physical Cliff”.
  • Former press secretary for George W. Bush, Ari Fleischer has vowed with other staunch conservatives to donate less money to charity in 2013.  In other news, grass is green and greed is still the GOP’s favorite pastime.  (STORY)
  • House Speaker John Boehner told Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “Go Fuck Yourself.”  Reid took the higher road and didn’t re-engage, but Reid did consider responding, “I’ll fuck myself as soon as you agree to stop fucking the country, capeesch, Cheetoface?  (The Comedy News Story)
  • The republicans in the House of Representatives this week blocked the passing of the Violence Against Women Act.  Even worse, they passed the Tolerance for Conservatives Act.  (STORY)
  • acquired travel search engine for almost $2 Billion.  It will be surprising to see that William Shatner will continue to be the spokesman, especially since he can’t fit into a Kayak.  (STORY)
  • Minnesota Twins baseball star Torii Hunter said he would find having an openly gay teammate “difficult and uncomfortable”, due to his religious views.  It is hard to believe Torii Hunter could be so irrational on LGBT issues, particularly because he has lived his entire ignoramus of a life with a girls name.  (STORY)
  • Star Wars creator George Lucas recently got engaged to DreamWorks animator Mellody Hobson.  At their wedding reception, none of the guests are expected to be un-dorky enough to ask anyone to dance.  (STORY)
  • A story on Yahoo News explained the meaning of the New Years song, Auld Lang Syne.  Despite the millions of views the story received, most people still sing the lyrics as, “Should auld acquaintance be forgot?  Lahhhh dahh dah, da da da dahhhhhhhh!  Should auld acquaintance be forgot?  Lah dah dahhhh dah auld lang syne!”  (STORY)

Late Night Jokes for December 28, 2012

  • US Senators are back in Washington, DC a week early to work on the fiscal cliff crisis.  And sex therapist Ruth Westheimer said that the most stubborn lawmakers “probably aren’t good lovers”.  She made this conclusion after realizing that the only fucking John Boehner does is with the American public’s future.
  • Some US Senators are objecting to events depicted in the film “Zero Dark Thirty“, saying it distorts how Osama Bin Laden was caught.  Apparently the filmmakers show in depth how SEAL Team Six was the military’s first all-gay tactical team.  Gays allowed to serve openly, Bin Laden caught promptly—there is a correlation.
  • This week marks the 94th anniversary of the trading of Babe Ruth by the Boston Red Sox to the New York Yankees—setting off an 86 year World Series drought by the Red Sox.  It was known as the ‘Curse of the Bambino’ since the Red Sox seemed to never win a World Series again after Babe Ruth’s trade.  But now that era is just referred to as, “the yeeahs the Red Sax were loosahs”.
  • The movie The Hobbit was released recently  It’s the story of a small man wandering around with a ring.  The working title of the movie was, Jeremy Piven Proposes to a Hooker.
  • Apple is having a great holiday season—selling millions of iPhone 5 devices each day.  Thus, civilization is another step closer to phasing out face-to-face communication in favor of Texting and Instragraming cat photos.
  • Many Denver residents claim that they saw a UFO in the sky recently.  This may or may not have something to do with the legalization of marijuana in Colorado last month.
  • It was released that the McRib sandwich at McDonalds is not made from rib meat.  In fact, the McRib is just made from the same part of the raccoon that the chicken nuggets are made from.
  • A study shows that people addicted to porn have short term memory loss.  The study was conducted by asking the porn viewers to do household chores while they were watching porn.  All of the participants eventually forgot to do the chores, despite yelling,  “OKAY OKAY I’LL DO THEM WHEN WHEN I”M DONE CLEANING MY ROOM.”
  • A study by the University of California-Berkeley shows that squeezing breasts can stop cancer.  Still, this is no excuse for your boyfriend to update his LinkedIn profile to reflect his experience in “amateur breast oncology”.
  • Two men got engaged at the White House while doing a holiday tour.  After the proposed said “yes” and embraced, an Abraham Lincoln statue stood up and applauded.  You know, cuz Lincoln was supposedly gay too.  Nevermind…
  • A man was arrested over the weekend trying to break into Taylor Swift’s house.  According to authorities, the burglar’s day job is being a Kanye West impersonator.

Late Night Jokes for December 16, 2012

  • A law went into effect requiring TV commercials to be a lot quieter.  Unfortunately, the law didn’t outlaw TV commercials from attempting to sell you useless vegetable slicers you don’t really need.
  • NASA has hired prison inmates to make mechanical parts for space vehicles and satellites.  And in a few years, NASA looks forward to launching the Space Shuttle EatShit into orbit.
  • The Hobbit movie was released in theaters this weekend.  This explains why there was a lower concentration of dorks and dweebs at holiday parties on Friday and Saturday night.
  • On Saturday, in many cities across the country, a Santa Claus bar-crawl was held—where people dressed as Santa get drunk and stay drunk all day long.  At last year’s event, the real Santa showed up and had a few drinks…which was evident from the many children who reported finding vomit and Advil in their Christmas presents.
  • Physicist Stephen Hawking received a $3 Million prize for his work on quantum gravity.  With his spoils, Hawking will first be replacing his talk box computer voice with that of Samuel L. Jackson.
  • The Los Angeles Lakers are now on a four-game losing streak.  Because of this, riot season in south Los Angeles is starting a bit earlier than the typical spring months.
  • The Queen of England will be broadcasting her annual Christmas message in 3D this year.  Experts predict it will be just like Girls Gone Wild in 3D, except the exact opposite.  You know, ‘cuz that typically takes place in the spring.  And she’s old.
  • A Dutchman recently finished building a life-size replica of Noah’s Ark.  And five minutes into the Ark’s maiden voyage, the Dutchman was mauled to death by a pack of disgruntled hungry passengers.
  • MTV is premiering a reality show called Buck Wild, which follows young folks in rural West Virginia.  It is expected to be like Real World— just with more coal mining accidents.
  • The network Fox decided not to air new TV episodes of Family Guy and American Dad in light of the tragedy in Connecticut on Friday.   Unfortunately, Fox did decide to air episodes of FoxNews as planned.

Late Night Jokes for December 13, 2012

  • A 2000-year-old copy of the Ten Commandments was recently published online.  This version was slightly different, because commandment two read, “It’s okay for gays to get married.”
  • Google just implemented changes that will make it more difficult to find porn on the internet.  Yup, every time you Google porn, a disclaimer will come up that says, “Your door may be shut, but God is watching you.”
  • Pope Benedict has released a children’s book.  It’s titled, How to Keep Secrets from Mommy, Daddy, AND Jesus.
  • At the 12.12.12 Concert for Hurricane Sandy relief, Kanye West performed while wearing a leather skirt.  His fashion team said it’s all part of a new trick to dress Kanye up in whatever they want, and then flatter his ego until he actually thinks it looks good.
  • Police in Ohio had to break up a fight between two neighbors, named Hall and Oates.  And just like the music, the fight sucked.
  • Sarah Palin’s son Track has filed from divorce from his wife.  Apparently Track caught her sleeping with a man named Cross Country.
  • The satellite that North Korea launched this week is unstable.  Good for North Korea, there’s absolutely no chance that they’ll accidentally bomb one of their friends, because they have zero of them.
  • There is going to be a made-for-TV movie about the 2012 election.  Barack Obama will be played by Will Smith.  And Mitt Romney will be played by a hollow pole wearing a suit.
  • This week, the Senate floor has been used for farewell speeches for retiring Senators.   Unfortunately, not a single retiring republican Senator apologized for bickering like a snotty little school child for the past four years.
  • During his retirement speech, all Joe Lieberman said was, “Hey remember when I was basically elected Vice President, but then Florida had to screw it all up?  Happy Chanukah, bitch.”  And then he swept every thing off his desk and left the chamber with his middle finger in the air.

Late Night Jokes for 12-12-12

  • Sir Paul McCartney joined Nirvana members Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic in a concert for Hurricane Sandy victims.  They thought the chorus to the song Smells Like Teen Spirit would be fitting for the victims:  “With the lights out, it’s less dangerous…”
  • The Spice Girls Musical debuted in London. Kate Middleton was in attendance.  And the next day during her ultrasound, her fetus was seen with its arms crossed, still very annoyed.
  •  A poll of Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat.   The poll also said that many Americans think that the Grinch is Newt Gingrich.  You can’t spell Gingrich without Grinch.
  • For the first time ever, Sesame Street is going to tackle the issue if divorce.  This is possible because the US Supreme Court yet to outlaw marriage between a Muppet and a Muppet.
  • It’s just about two weeks until 2013.  And instead of having flying cars and hover boards, we—members of humankind—- have Gangnam Style and Fiscal Cliffs—aren’t we versatile?
  • Four days left of Chanukah.  Fourteen days till Christmas.  And 19 days left until we vomit our way into another calendar year.
  • President George W. Bush is going to be a grandfather.  He said he looks forward to seeing his grandchild learn to read, go potty training, and do other things that he himself never got around to learning.
  • A top Vatican spokesman said that despite the Mayan calendar, the world will not end on December 21st.  He said that the world ended once Honey Boo Boo got her own TV show.
  • Scientists say that they have evidence of cheese being created over 7000 years ago. The evidence was found beneath Lambeau Field in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
  • A British study says that Great Apes can have mid-life crises.  In nature, some Great Apes were spotted grooming younger Apes, getting tattoos of their favorite bands, and drastically changing their fur-style.

Late Night Jokes for December 10, 2012 – Chanukah Edition Part 1

  • Chanukah began on Saturday.  It’s the festival of lights.  Otherwise known as the eight nights per year that Jewish mothers let their kids play with fire and gamble.
  • Chanukah is also a time of year when non-Jews take pause—when they nervously try to wish their Jewish friends “happy—-[pause]—-Chanukah?”
  • Chanukah lasts eight days and eight nights.  This is different from tantra, which lasts for 8 continuous days and nights, and one awkward trip to brunch on the ninth morning.
  • Today is the anniversary of the last Moon landing, Apollo 17.  Each of the 6 Moon missions left a stone plaque with the names of the astronauts plus the President of the United States of America engraved on it.  So say what you want about Richard Nixon, but his name is written in stone six times on the Moon.   I will repeat it:  out of all of the 100 billion humans that ever lived, no one has their name on the Moon more than Richard Milhous Nixon.
    • Q:  What has 6 boobs and 6 dicks?
    • A:  The US Supreme Court
  • It was revealed that “Gangnam Style” singer Psy used to appear at anti-America events in South Korea.   Psy has insisted that he no longer holds such views.  In his defense, what could be more American than changing your political opinions once people start giving you lots and lots of money?
  • The Grammy nominees came out last week and South Korean YouTube star Psy was not nominated.  Psy was thought to be a shoe-in for “The Macarana Award for Most Annoying Foreign One Hit Wonder With a Dumbass Dance”.
  • The New Orleans Hornets are mulling changing their team name.  Here are some of the top choices by fans:
    • New Orleans Jazz —-Yes, they will have a natural rivalry with the Utah Jazz
    • New Orleans Corruption
    • New Orleans Springbreakers
    • New Orleans Indigestion
    • New Orleans Oilers
  • Mitt Romney met Manny Pacquiao right before Pacquiao lost the big fight Saturday night.  Romney warned Pacquiao that disenfranchising his opponent’s supporters may not always lead to victory.
  • Mitt Romney, Snooki, and Steven Segal were all at the big Pacquiao fight on Saturday night.  It was No Talent Failure night at the MGM Grand.
  • Hundreds of men participated in the Santa Speedo Run in Germany.  Santa himself did NOT participate in the run, because Speedo does not make trunks in size 400
  • On the show the X Factor, judge Britney Spears said a 13 year old contestant reminds her of herself.  Later that night, the 13-year-old shaved her head and made out with Madonna.

Late Night Jokes for December 4, 2012

  • “No Shave November” ended last week.  Although the month-long mustache growing is done to create awareness about men’s health, the real winners are America’s plumbers— who saw an increase in business over the weekend clearing out millions of sinks full of stubble.
  • A leader of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement.  They couldn’t decide if they wanted to be known for being racist or just illiterate over the next 4 years.
  • Kate Middleton is getting a lot of press for her newly announced pregnancy.  In fact, Snooki from Jersey Shore has taken the time to impart her own maternity advice:  Ronnie would make a good babysitter—and he needs the money.
  • At the Kennedy Center Honors, singer Aretha Franklin said that she “met Mr. Led Zeppelin”, unaware that is the name of just the band, not any individual.  And when someone explained to Franklin that a Zeppelin is a blimp, she smacked him for making a fat joke.
  • A group of historians are attempting to preserve the Los Alamos, New Mexico site where the world’s first atomic bomb was tested.  The historians are meeting some opposition, however, because they want to erect a sign that says, “Yup, we nuked ourselves.  Fuck. Us.”
  • Singer and and staunch republican Ted Nugent said that welfare recipients shouldn’t be allowed to vote.  But he also clarified that washed-out rockstars from Detroit shouldn’t be allowed to have political opinions.
  • While on a trip in Indiana, Newt Gingrich ended up on the set of the filming of an episode of Parks and Recreation.  In his cameo role, Gingrich will be playing the role of an unpredictable elephant with a bad attitude and a filthy butt—in other words, he’ll be playing Newt Gingrich.
  • Before posting a single tweet, the Pope netted 500,000 followers after creating a Twitter account last week.   After that, the Pope went on YouTube and made the following comment over and over again:  “ugh, gay”.

Late night jokes for November 29, 2012

  • Hillary Clinton said that the person who has had the most profound effect upon her since becoming Secretary of State was Nelson Mandela. She said, “it was like he was there with me all the time”. In reality, he was there all the time, except it wasn’t Mandela, it was Morgan Freeman and he has been narrating her life for the past 4 years.
  • Starbucks is now selling a rare coffee that will cost $7 per cup. But for only $5, customers don’t have to buy the coffee, but can feel self-important and tout around a souvenir cup.
  • The new CEO of Yahoo said her priorities are God, Family, and Yahoo in that order. She said the reason God and Family come before Yahoo is because both God and her family are all using Gmail and need to be converted.
  • Apple has fired the manager who was in charge of the flawed Maps application for the iPhone. When Apple told him to “get lost”, he snapped back, “oh yeah? There’s an app for that. And I made it.”
  • A wide receiver for the Chicago Bears says that some NFL players use Viagra to give themselves an edge. They say that when they take Viagra, it really disarms the NFL’s top homophobic players like Jared Allen and Jeremy Shockey.
  • It was released today that Dr. Dre makes twice as much money as Justin Bieber. That’s because Dre’s a doctor, and Bieber’s last degree was from Middle School.
  • A woman in Florida has been arrested for beating up her boyfriend, after he came too quickly during sex. As she beat him up, she learned that he was turned on by being beaten, and he came quickly once again. And so on, and so on.
  • Joe Biden went to the grand opening of Washington DC’s first Costco. There he said, “I am proud to welcome this great Wal-Mart to town.”
  • Chris Brown lamented on Twitter, before deleting his account, that he looks “old as hell” even though he is only 23. I guess that’s the price you pay when you’re an amateur domestic boxer.
  • Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney had a private lunch at the White House with President Obama on Thursday. It was the first opportunity the two have had to visit since the election.  And to eat, Romney asked Obama for a whamburger and french cries.  And to drink he had a Whinekin beer.
  • There were no cameras allowed at the Obama-Romney White House lunch. And now the Tea Party wants to see a notarized certificate proving that they indeed dined.  Skeptical schmucks…

Late Night Jokes for November 28, 2012

  •  Bill Clinton said in an interview that during his 2-term presidency, he only sent two emails.  One email was about ordering late night Chinese food, and the other email involved asking an old buddy from Yale what kind of food drunk Jewish interns enjoy after hooking up.
  • A group of nude AIDS activists stormed into the office of Speaker of the House John Boehner today.  The Speaker became agitated and screamed at the protesters, “FOR THE LAST TIME!  MY OFFICE TANNING BED IS NOT OPEN TO THE PUBLIC!”
  • Air New Zealand has unveiled a Hobbit-themed airplane.  The airline expects incidents of mile-high club sex to be non-existent on those flights.
  • Football teams from Notre Dame and either Georgia or Alabama will be playing for the BCS National Championship in January.  God reiterated to all three fan bases that he will not be answering any prayers about the game, since his eligibility ended 2000 years ago.

Late Night Jokes for November 26, 2012 – Thanksgiving Wrap-up

  • Thanksgiving was last week.  It’s the time of year when people say to themselves, “Of course, this reminds me why I dont keep in touch with my relatives.”
  • Last week, millions of people lined up outside of stores like Best Buy to wait for Black Friday shopping to begin.  And just to make people feel a little more desperate and pathetic, Best Buy employees sat inside the stores watching customers come up with crafty ways of going to the bathroom while standing in line.
  • Wal-Mart started its Black Friday sales on Thanksgiving night at 8:00 PM.  Cuz face it, if you’re shopping at Wal-Mart, missing Thanksgiving dinner with your family isn’t the worst of your problems.
  • President Obama, per White House tradition, pardoned a Turkey last week.  During the pardoning ceremony, the turkey had a big family, was loud, made annoying noises, and even snapped at the President.  So they named the turkey Mitt Romney.
  • Medical marijuana dispensaries in southern California were shut down recently.  As a result, federal authorities are expected to get an increase in holiday ‘thank you’ cards from leaders of the drug cartels.
  • Jack Taylor, a basketball player for Grinnell University, set an NCAA record with 138 points scored in a game against Faith Baptist Bible College.  And with that, Jack Taylor proved that God doesn’t give a shit about sports.
  • English performing artists Coldplay announced that they will be taking a 3-year break from playing together.  They warned fans not to worry, because in the mean time, there’s plenty of other shitty new music out there to meander to.
  • Historians during the last two weeks were proven wrong–yeah, they said there is no way Lincoln would do well in the theatre.

Late-Night Jokes for November 16, 2012

  • The state of Arizona has elected the Nation’s first bisexual congresswoman.  This is quite the feat since it has been such a long time since someone in Congress has worked both sides of anything.
  • The University of Wisconsin Badgers football team has clinched their Big Ten Division title, even though they are in third place behind Ohio State and Penn State—teams ineligible for post-season games.  So the Badgers decided to dedicate their post-season games to the victims of Jerry Sandusky and the tattoo artists and shoe salesmen of Columbus, Ohio.
  • Hostess Brands, the maker of Twinkies, is going out of business.  Rush Limbaugh will claim now that this is all a conspiracy by Michelle Obama to make Americans healthy.
  • A man who got paid $5,000 to tattoo the Romney-Ryan logo on his face is getting alot of grief from neighbors.  In the future, he might consider telling people that the concentric R’s stand for something more flattering:
    • Republican Redneck
    • Really Rad
    • Rock & Roll
    • Road Rules
    • Ruh Roh (with Scooby Doo dressed in military fatigues)
  • A study shows that the closer you live to a bar, the more likely you are to become a heavy drinker.  This has been disputed by some researchers, however, claiming that even if she were stranded somewhere in Antarctica, Lindsey Lohan would still find a way to get shitfaced all the time.
  • One study is showing that the size of a man’s penis does indeed matter when it comes to satisfying a woman in bed.  The same study showed that when it comes to giving men oral sex, basically nothing else matters.
  • Justin Bieber was pulled over while driving his Ferrari in West Hollywood.  Inside the car, police found Bieber sitting on 3 phone books with a block of wood tied to his right foot.
  • Vinny from Jersey Shore is getting his own talk show.  The production process of the show will be a major feat, since nobody in the cast or crew knows how to read or write.
  • Saturday, November 17 is National Unfriend on Facebook Day.  But in case you miss it, a great time to unfriend someone is when their name pops up in the upper right of the Facebook browser because it’s their birthday.  Remember, unfriending is much more useful than sending a trite birthday message.
  • The Principal of Minnetonka High School outside of Minneapolis has banished students from wearing tight spandex leggings because they look “too promiscuous”.  In addition, the Principal is now requiring the swimming team to wear baggy pants and sweatshirts in the pool so nobody’s swimwear is “too revealing”.

Late Night Jokes for November 15, 2012

  • NASA leaked that their Moon mission plans were kept a secret from Mitt Romney, in case he won the Presidency. NASA did this because Romney suggested that to save money in the NASA budget, we send Astronauts to the Moon, do a quick photo-op, and then leave the Astronauts on the Moon to become self-made men like Romney.
  • Paul Ryan said that Barack Obama won re-election due to the high turnout of “urban voters”. Then he went on to say that he and Romney would have won the election, “if more lame-ass line-dancing white dockers wearing suburbanites turned out to vote.”
  • Washed out 1980s singer Bret Michels will be making appearances at PetSmart retail stores throughout the East Coast. On his PetSmart tour, Michels will be discussing how dogfood is great cheap cuisine for humans who happen to spend all their rockstar money on hookers and blow.
  • Taco bell will begin selling nachos and chicken nuggets —-wrapped in a fried tortilla. They are also giving away free diabetes if you go more than twice a week.
  • MSNBC reporter Luke Russert is catching flack for basically asking House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi to step down from her post because she is too old. But Russert became mighty silent when an anonymous reporter snapped back, “Hey, if your Dad were still alive, you’d be unemployed.”
  • General Petraeus’ wife is reportedly, “beyond furious” about her husband’s affair. Apparently, his wife said that she could have written a much more detailed biography of the General than his mistress, but all Mrs. Petraeus got from him in return was birthday sex once per year.
  • New Rule: If you’re a restaurant critic for the New York Times, don’t write a brazen negative freakout review of a crappy corporate All American restaurant in Times Square. Times Square restaurants aren’t for New Yorkers, it’s for the foreign tourists, the derelict teenagers, and the overweight families from Iowa who are happier than a pig in shit to just be visiting New York. Let’s face it, if you’re a New Yorker—a New Yorker who is a food critic for the largest newspaper in the country—- and out of all of the thousands of NYC restaurants you can review, you choose on four separate occasions to do an investigative visit to a Chuck E Cheesey establishment in Times Square…then you’re not a food critic, you’re a shitty New Yorker. (STORY)

Late Night Jokes for November 7, 2012 – Election Day Results

  • The Presidential campaigns are finally over.  And now Americans can get back to deciding what really matters:  should I get fries or a fruit cup with my bacon cheeseburger at TGI Fridays?
  • On election day, President Obama quelled his nerves by playing a game of pick-up basketball.  Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney went back to his roots as a Winter Olympics executive and rode a bobsled down Pennsylvania Avenue.  You should have seen him feign a Jamaican accent.
  • In celebration of his re-election, President Obama said he will be going on a victory tour through Chicago, Las Vegas, New York, Panama City, Toronto, and Waikiki—where he plans to have hot sweaty victory sex with Michelle in every single Donald Trump Hotel in the western Hemisphere.
  • As election winners are declared, every victory speech will inevitably have the following line of over-done prose:  “There are no red states, there are no blue states, there’s only the United States.”  What they should really say is, “there’s no red states.  There’s no blue states.  There is only a delusional state, to all of you who think the republicans will consider compromising on anything over the next 4 years.”
  • President Obama joked in his victory speech that his daughters would not be getting another dog.  And at his own concession speech, Mitt Romney generously offered to take Obama’s dog Bo for a little ride on his station wagon.
  • Mitt Romney won the support of most men, people over age 45, and married women.  In politics this is called the “pre-menopausal khakis demographic.”
  • In the fallout of the plethora of losses for Senate republicans, they admitted that Senate republicans “pissed off a lot of minorities” in the latest campaign.  But this didn’t stop a few Senators from admitting that they actually enjoyed the election of Barack Obama in 2008—- because that meant there were no more minorities in the Senate.
  • Students at the University of Mississippi started a riot and several fires on campus to smite Barack Obama’s reelection as President.  The Chancellor of Ole Miss had a mixed reaction to the violence, however, saying that “The riots are proof that the students are indeed keeping up with the news in the midst of football season.”

President Barack Obama:
“Having hot sweaty passionate victory sex with ma belle, Michelle.”

Vice President Joe Biden:
“Making crude innuendos at the President after intentionally walking in on him having hot sweaty passionate victory sex with his boner of the month wife Michelle.”

Mitt Romney:
“Creating a profile so I can go back to work for the first time since 2002.”

Paul Ryan:
“Avoiding eye contact with Karl Rove.  Man, that white devil’s not gonna wanna talk to me for a while.”

Bruce Springsteen:
“Working on writing a trite hit song to inspire the victims of Hurricane Sandy.  And by inspire, I of course mean exploit.”

Ted Nugent:
“At Home Depot buying a piece of paper, a pen, a foot stool, and some rope.”

Late Night Jokes for November 5, 2012 – Election Day Part 1

  • Today is election day—the day when we decide whether for the next four years, comedians will continue to kiss the President’s ass, or harangue Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan and Secretary of State Michele Bachmann.
  • The voters will be deciding whether it’s fun to have Joe Biden as our drunk lunatic uncle, or if it’s arousing to stare into Paul Ryan’s demonic blue eyes.
  • That’s right, today is election day.   Or as Al Gore calls it, “Fuck You, Florida” Day.
  • If Barack Obama gets re-elected, I make a pledge that I will go streaking.  In my studio apartment for sure.  Beyond that, to be determined.
  • Every ballot in America has the option to write-in a candidate.  As a result, many unfunny dorks are looking forward to casting a vote for R2-D2 and Batman.
  • Americans are excited that once the election is over, there will be no more annoying political advertisements.  So come Wednesday, we’ll all go back to craving Taco Bell and Doritos between segments of Glee.
  • Clocks across America were set back one hour early Sunday morning.   Mitt Romney suggested that he will get rid of the time change if elected President.  He cites that “in China, there’s only one time zone for the whole country…and all my employees there think that’s fine and dandy.”
  • Paul Ryan spent Sunday afternoon at a Green Bay Packers game tailgating with some of Romney’s sons.  It was a new experience for the Romney boys, because they had never had to walk in a parking lot before.

In other news…

  • The New York City Marathon was canceled a day before the race last week—leaving many runners livid.  However, for many of these dejected marathoners, this wasn’t the first time in the last year that they shit their pants.
  • Boy Meets World will be returning to TV soon—with actors from the original cast playing their older selves.  Let this be a lesson to the unemployed out there:  Just ask your first employer if you can return to the job you had when you were 13 years old.

Late Night Jokes for November 4, 2012

  • Kelsey Grammar brought his 3 month old daughter to a party at the Playboy mansion because he said he couldn’t find a babysitter.  Hugh Heffner was thrilled about this, though, because for the first time, he wasn’t the only incontinent person at the mansion wearing diapers.
  • Singapore Airlines is discontinuing the world’s longest nonstop commercial flight— Newark to Singapore in 18 hours.  The real winners here are the planes themselves, who if they could speak would say, “Hell yeah, that shit was tiring.”
  • A company is manufacturing stencils to assist consumers with carving pornographic pumpkins.  The same company is rumored to be the ones distributing devices that help you burn images of Jesus into your french toast.
  • The house used on Jersey Shore was perfectly intact after the ferocious Hurricane Sandy.  So it turns out that all it takes to protect your home in a Hurricane is hair gel, spilled grey goose, and semen stains.
  • The laptop used by Bill Clinton when he was President is up for auction.  The device is completely unchanged from when Clinton last used it…right down to the desktop background image of Monica Lewinsky riding a mechanical bull.
  • A Marijuana Party candidate is running for US Senate from Vermont.  Their top spokesman said the biggest obstacle to winning is preventing their base voters from forgetting to get off their futon to vote.
  • The White House Halloween party was canceled last week.  The Secret Service was concerned that several tea party republican Congressmen would show up dressed as ghosts —wearing only white bed sheets and hoods.
  • Republicans in Ohio are airing TV ads aimed at the black community.  The gist is, “Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, Abraham Lincoln was a republican.  You should vote for Mitt Romney…He’s a republican like Lincoln.”  When asked for comment on this ad, Romney said he would outsource all slavery to China.
  • Republicans are unhappy with republican Governor Chris Christie, because he gave much praise to President Obama for his handling of Hurricane Sandy aftermath.  As a result, republican operatives will be putting together a breakout session at their next convention called, “How to Exploit National Tragedies and Stop Cooperating for Political Gain.”
  • Billionaire owner of the Dallas Mavericks Mark Cuban said, “I would vote for Mitt Romney if he were a democrat.”  Cuban then said, “I would go down on Mitt Romney—- if he were an sexy escort with a bag of Colombian blow hanging from her crotch.”

Late Night Jokes for November 2, 2012

  • Many celebrities went out partying around Los Angeles in costume for Halloween.  Lindsey Lohan dressed as a luxury car wrapped around a tree.
  • Lance Armstrong is being investigated by the International Olympic Committee, who is now disputing the validity of his bronze medal at the 2000 Olympics.  But even if Armstrong gets stripped of his medal, it’ll be useless because he traded it to Barry Bonds in exchange for steroids years ago.
  • Mitt Romney staged a fundraiser in Cleveland for Hurricane Sandy victims.   The campaign went out and bought supplies and staged photographs of Romney accessorizing the goods.  This PR nightmare could have been worse, though:  there could have been a banner in the background that read “Mission: Accomplished.”
  • In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, Atlantic City, New Jersey is now trashed.  But this is an improvement from what it used to be:   trashy.
  • In an errant email sent out to his email list, Newt Gingrich not only said with certainty that Barack Obama will win re-election, but that he will likely win re-election in 2016 and 2020.  However the Constitution forbids anyone from being elected to more than two terms as President.  This wasn’t the only error Gingrich made in the email:  he also warned his email list that in his third term, Obama will repeal the 69th amendment to the Constitution that forbids Abortion in all 50 states.
  • The disgraced FEMA director for the Bush Administration, Michael Brown, criticized President Obama for his quick disaster relief response.  Brown argued that you can’t jump to a conclusion that New York and New Jersey are official disaster areas until you let the residents attempt to you know….fend for themselves for a few days in the water.
  • The Journal of Caffeine Research has concluded that 2-4 cups of coffee per day should be the absolute maximum for a healthy adult.  The study was released after the researchers stayed up all night drinking Red Bull writing their press release.
  • San Francisco police are looking for a man caught on film destroying a $1 Million city bus during a Giants World Series celebration.  The real surprise here is that a big ugly city bus is worth $1 Million.
  • University of Michigan student athletes all signed a new social media policy in an effort by the school to prevent controversial tweets and postings that could lead to NCAA sanctions.  As a reward for signing the social media policy, all student athletes were given their own personal nerd to take their tests and quizzes for them.

Late Night Jokes for October 29th, 2012 — The Hurricane Sandy Issue

  • Halloween was celebrated over the weekend, leading today  to be the biggest day of the year for uploading pictures to Facebook.  In other words, millions of American citizens voluntarily made it much more difficult for them to run for President in the future.
  • Over a million workers on the East Coast are expected to be tele-commuting due to Hurricane Sandy.  As a result, the world record will be set for most billable hours while laying in bed wearing only your underwear with a laptop over your crotch.
  • Hurricane Sandy is ravaging the East Coast currently, and will be colliding with a cold weather front to create a hybrid super storm.  And republican politician Todd Akin advised America that there’s no need for alarm about Hurricane Sandy, because she isn’t a legitimate hurricane.
  • Telephone and power lines are expected to go out in some parts of the country due to Hurricane Sandy.  This will leave thousands of volunteer auto-dial robots sad and without work at the Romney and Obama campaign headquarters.
  • Hurricane Sandy is expected to make landfall on the mid-Atlantic states today.  Students at Pennsylvania State University are concerned because they just dealt with Hurricane Sandy’s creep Uncle, Hurricane Sand…usky.
  • In an interview with Rolling Stone, President Obama described Mitt Romney as a “bull-shitter”.  The Romney campaign has condemned this characterization saying, “The President’s words are offensive and wrong.  Everyone knows Romney at his core is more of a horse-shitter.” 
  • A British Army dog who was killed in combat in Afghanistan was honored with a posthumous medal.  And sadly, all of the dog’s relatives were too busy sniffing crotches to accept the medal on his behalf.
  • US Senate candidate Tommy Thompson called his opponent anti-Israel and anti-Jewish, despite her having voted for $35 Billion in aid to Israel and consistent praise from prominent Jewish groups.  Thompson’s words come at a time when he himself has come under fire for having invested in companies that work with Iranian uranium.  So after being a governor, a cabinet Secretary, and a lobbyist, Thompson’s best argument against his opponent has become, “I know you are but what am I?”
  • The Civil War novel, Gone With the Wind, is becoming increasingly popular in North Korea.  It makes a lot of sense, since like North Korea, at least half the characters in Gone with the Wind hate the United States.
  • Erotica book Fifty Shades of Grey is another step closer to being turned into a feature film.  The book has been chided for being poorly written.  Because of this, the Library of Congress has created a new genre for categorizing books: “shiterature”—a combination of the words “shitty” and “literature”.

Late Night Jokes for October 25, 2012

  • Republican Vice Presiential nominee Paul Ryan suggested today that in order to reduce poverty in America, we should cut government programs that reduce poverty.  After his speech, he had sex with his wife in the hopes that she would somehow become a virgin again.
  • Donald Trump’s anticipated “big damning news” about President Obama turned out to be a $5 Million charity bounty for any person that can produce Obama’s passport application and college transcripts.  To counteract this, concerned citizens are going to raise $5 to shove a dirty pair of socks in Trump’s mouth.
  • Pop singer Adele’s new song “Skyfall”, the theme to the next James Bond film, made actor Daniel Craig cry.  Apparently the lyrics are,

You suck, Daniel / You ain’t Sean Connery /Skyfall ain’t Goldfinger / Your movies are forgettable / and so are you / Skyfall.

  • An anti-Gay activist is in the news for appearing on CNN and berating schools for encouraging “diversity lunches”—-where students are asked to sit with someone they don’t normally sit with.  In response to the anti-Gay activist’s hostile views, schools will also be adopting a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy…where you can’t ASK if someone’s an anti-Gay asshole, but you’re required to berate them if they TELL you something anti-Gay.
  • The federal government is attempting to seize the location records of T-Mobile cell phone users—even ones who aren’t suspected of committing crimes.  Optimists see this as a great opportunity to tell your significant other you’ve been cheating on them…before the government confirms it for you.
  • It has been revealed that Mitt Romney uses the word “gosh” quite often.  He also once told Barack Obama to “go fudge himself” and “see you in heck”.
  • Romney’s son Tagg approached President Obama after debate three and apologized for saying he wanted to smack him.  Obama responded, “that’s okay, I figure any kind of tag—name tag, clothing tag, Tagg Romney—tags will always be small, annoying, and irrelevant.”
  • President Obama appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night.  Leno warned the President, “Take my advice:  although it’s cool to get a second shot at a job you love, you’ll inevitably suck at it and all your fans will eventually hate you.”
  • A new study shows that Facebook is barely beating Twitter in popularity amongst teens.  Rounding out the top 5 most popular sites for teens:

1)  Facebook
2)  Twitter
3)  Various porn sites
4)  Craigslist For Sale:automatic guns
5)  Cliffsnotes

  • Curators of a Pablo Picasso art collection have discovered hidden paintings behind Picasso’s canvas.  One of the hidden paintings had a self-portrait of Picasso holding a sign that said, “Da Vinci Sucks”.
  • Former Bush adminisitration Secretary of State, General Colon Powell, has broken with party lines and endorsed Barack Obama for the second time as President.  General Powell then retroactively endorsed Al Gore as President from 2000-2008.

Late Night Jokes for October 24, 2012

  • McDonalds is now producing short films showcasing how their food is cultivated and created.  The fast food chain hopes to prove that customers will still keep stuffing their fat addicted faces with Big Macs, no matter how much rat and raccoon meat is involved.
  • Speaking of buying brand name shit, Apple unveiled its iPad Mini today.  Apple said they hope this is the diversion they need to shoo away any investigative press about their wickedly helpful Maps app.
  • There were a few alternative names for the iPad Mini that Apple chose not to use:
    • Kickass Kindle Killer (KKK)
    • iPadFetus
    • iTamPad
    • Jeremy Piven
  • A judge has ruled that Jay Z and Beyoncé are not allowed to trademark their kid’s name, Blue Ivy.  The judge said it’s not necessary because no one else will name their dumb kid “Blue Ivy”.
  • At England’s Dampson Dene Hotel, the complimentary Holy Bibles have been replaced with copies of 50 Shades of Grey.  This has been confusing to some religious guests, who have mistakenly begun their morning prayers with phrases like, “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, spank my ass with your leathery claws.  Amen.”
  • Ann Coulter is in the news again for using the R word to insult President Barack Obama during last night’s debate.  In response, a Special Olympics spokesman called Ann Coulter another vile epithet:  Ann Coulter.
  • Piedmont High School in northern California is coming under fire after it was revealed that varsity athletes have been organizing a “fantasy slut league”.  The school is concerned because the athletes could be moving on to other scandalous activities, like doing their own homework.
  • A man in North Carolina has been caught selling millions of dollars worth of counterfeit Chinese airbags.  As a result, he was just offered a job at Bain & Company.
  • A poll shows that if countries of the world had to pick the US President, Obama would win in a landslide.  This includes China, where Mitt Romney has been a pioneer of job growth for decades.
  • On Wednesday, celebrity Donald Trump will be announcing what he says is a damning revelation that is vital to the Untied States in the upcoming election.  And that revelation is that somehow, American people are still unfortunately listening to what this bald money-burning hack Trump has to say.
  • Indiana Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock said at a debate last night that, “Life is that gift from God. And, I think, even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.”  God released a statement countering Mourdock’s comments, saying “I did NOT intend for rape to happen, but I DID intend to make Richard Mourdock for the sole purpose of seeing how dumb I can make a human.”

Late Night Jokes for October 23, 2012

  • Monday night featured the final Presidential debate of 2012.  This could tip the last of the remaining  undecided voters to vote for either Obama or Romney.  And by undecided voters, we really just mean “attention-seeking”.
  • President Obama discussed his plans for encouraging entrepreneurship and investment in manufacturing when dealing with rebuilding democracy in Egypt.  He looked at the camera and said, “Hey Egypt, you may have built the Pyramids, but the USA will show you how to make crappy cars and 30 flavors of Rice-a-Roni.”
  • Mitt Romney announced his plan for Israel at the foreign policy debate.  He had three words:  binders of Israelis.
  • The final Presidential debate was held in Boca Raton, Florida.  Boca residents are identifying much more with President Obama than they did four years ago, which may or may not have something to do with the President’s 50 shades of grey hair.
  • The topic of the final Presidential debate was foreign policy—or as Mitt Romney calls it, “visiting the factory floor”.
  • Many people watching the final Presidential debate made more commentary about the color patterns on the ties the candidates wore, rather than their actual policy positions.  In fact, Fox News reported that President Obama showed up to the debates wearing a tie that says, “I <3 France”.
  • The moderator for the third Presidential debate, Bob Schieffer, accidentally referred to Bin Laden as “Obama Bin Laden”.  He made up for it though, referring to Mitt Romney as “Tits Romney.”
  • Mitt Romney says attacking Iran is a last resort for the United States. What he really meant to say is that he’s the last guy to advise about Iran, and he’d rather just hang out at a Cayman resort.
  • When discussing the perils of unemployment in America, Romney mentioned a recent college graduate in Philadelphia who can’t find a job.  What Romney neglected to mention is that the reason college grad is unemployed is because he majored in History.
  • U.S. boys are hitting puberty earlier than usual.  In a related story, parents of 11-year-old boys are reporting a 20% increase in semen on the home computer keyboards.
  • The FDA is probing a number of recent deaths which may have been caused by the energy drink Monster.  The FDA says it wasn’t so much the high caffeine and sugar content, but likely the shitty taste that killed them.
  • Archaeologists discovered what might be a Swedish Stonehenge.  They say it looks just like the Stonehenge in England, except it’s surrounded by remnants of ancient Ikea furniture and meatballs.
  • Researchers at the National Marine Mammal Foundation have discovered that Beluga whales attempt to mimic human speech when exposed to it.  They also concluded that the Beluga whale’s speech is, in turn, mimicked by Honey Boo Boo.

Late Night Jokes for October 22, 2012

  • At the second Presidential debate at Hofstra University, most of the audience members were Jewish.  This was evident when an audience member asked, “Mr. President, can the Jews eliminate the 5,000 year old ban on pork?”
  • One of Mitt Romney’s sons said he would like to punch Barack Obama during the second debate.  In response, the President’s daughter Malia Obama said she felt like smacking Romney in the face after the first debate, but she didn’t want to get the smell of asshole on her hand.
  • Today at Daytona Beach, Florida, the Romney staff played a touch football game against their traveling press corps.  Romney, however, was benched by his team mates  because he kept interrupting the quarterback’s play-calling in the huddle.
  • A 9-year-old girl dressed as a skunk for Halloween was accidentally shot to death.  The real tragedy here is that the douchy kid at the same party dressed as a mammogram inspector is still alive.
  • A popular myth promoted by conservative religious groups that the HPV vaccine causes promiscuity in teens has been debunked as false.  It was also proven that contracting HPV is much less likely than contracting false information from conservative religious groups.
  • Christina Aguilara was offered $3 Million to be the spokeswoman for a plus-sized dating website.  The Big and the Beautiful says although the offer has been made to the popstar, Aguilara is still chewing on it.  She is not sure she has the taste for a dating website.  So Aguilara is still trying to figure out if being spokeswoman will be a good fit.
  • The Detroit Tigers swept the New York Yankees to move on to the World Series.  The Tigers players said they feel very grateful not only for being in the World Series, but for being the only 20 guys in Detroit that still have jobs.

Late Night Jokes for October 17, 2012 – The Romney Issue

  • Today was the 50th anniversary of the Cuban missile crisis. To show his foreign policy prowess, Mitt Romney emphasized that he can see Cuba from one of his homes in the Cayman Islands.
  • Virgin America Airlines is now extending service to Washington National Airport.   Mitt Romney said, “this is a victory for abstinent monogamists who crave air travel.”
  • Ross Perot endorsed Mitt Romney. In a related story, Ross Perot is still alive.
  • Paul Ryan stopped by a soup kitchen, where the kitchen manager said all he did was take photos and didn’t help out at all. Ryan’s spokesman said, “that’s not true, Congressman Ryan helped out for just under three hours.”
  • Democrats have complained that President Obama was “too polite” in the first debate. So in the second debate, Obama pledged not to to say “pardon me” before he asks Romney to spare some Grey Poupon.
  • Obama’s main goal in debate two was to win over female voters. So during debate two, Obama complained that he’s too cold but just bought a cute pair of winter boots on Amazon.  And to appeal to men, Obama set the boots on fire and crushed a beer can on his head.
  • KISS frontman Gene Simmons called President Obama a “Piss Poor President”. Obama should be worried because Gene Simmons has years of experience in being piss poor at his job. Knows it when he sees it.
  • A woman in Florida is wanted by police for taking an illegal joyride on a wild manatee, or as Mitt Romney calls it, “poor people jetskis.”
  • Baltimore Ravens defensive lineman Ray Lewis has torn his tricep and will be out for the remainder of the season. Lewis will be rehabilitating his muscles so he can get back to getting away with murder as soon as possible.  Romney sucks.

Late Night Jokes for October 11, 2012

  • It’s getting cold outside on the east coast.  This is the time of year when many of us say, “Did I really wear this ugly ass jacket all last winter?”
  • The Space Shuttle Endeavour is going to drive through the streets of Inglewood, California en route to its permanent display location.  So at this time tomorrow, we will be reporting on the injuries of 5 NASA employees in a drive by shooting.
  • A Hong Kong couple paid $2.2 million in college guidance fees for their kid to get into Harvard.  Their kid’s application was rejected admission.  Mitt Romney released a statement saying, “It’s a shame when the American dream of having your parents buy your way to prosperity can’t be fulfilled.”
  • It’s national “Coming Out Day”.  And today, professional boxer Orlando Cruz came out as openly gay.  While this is good news for many reasons, it basically ensures that Cruz will be likely harassed by some drunk homophobe—who in turn will get his lights knocked out by Cruz.
  • Vice President Biden was challenged by Congressman Paul Ryan in the Vice Presidential debate tonight.  When Ryan walked onto the stage, Biden said to Ryan, “Holy shit, Sarah Palin, you look like you fell down a flight of stairs.”
  • Representative Scott DeJarlais, a republican from Tennessee is coming under scrutiny for having urged a mistress —a patient of his when he was a full time doctor– to get an abortion—while also championing anti-abortion legislation in Congress.  There is no punch line, this guy is just a colossal asshole.
  • A new study shows that morning workouts might curb excessive eating.  So it turns out that sleeping through your alarm and sprinting for the bus to work is actually good for your health.
  • Archaeologists have said they discovered the exact place where Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by Brutus.  This means that we will find out the truth about the JFK assassination in the year 4020.
  • The National Zoo revealed today that the cause of death for the baby Panda recently was due to lung and liver damage.  In conclusion, the baby Panda spent its few days on Earth getting nursed by Charlie Sheen.

Late Night Jokes for October 9, 2012

  • Mitt Romney threw PBS and Big Bird under the bus last week at the first Presidential debate.  When asked for comment, the Romney campaign said, “Mitt didn’t throw Big Bird under the bus, he just wants to tie him to the roof of his car.”
  • After last week’s Presidential debate, Barack Obama started to slip in the polls in swing states.  As a result, the Obama campaign will be running a series of ads in those states featuring video of him defiling Osama bin Laden’s body before throwing it out to sea.
  • Facebook surpassed 1 billion users recently.  This means that there are 6 billion people on this planet who still live in a world free from any ties to their exes and elementary school nemeses.
  • A new study says that men run faster in marathons when they know attractive women are present.  To capitalize off these findings, Nike plans on marketing their new line of “boner-proof sweatpants.”
  • The final season of Jersey Shore premiered last week.  I hate to spoil the end, but on the last episode, everyone in the cast dies in a bar-fight amongst each other, over each other.
  • Al Pacino is set to star in a biopic movie about Joe Paterno.  The movie is going to be called Scent of an Asshole.
  • It was Columbus Day this week.  These days, text books are refraining from saying that Columbus DISCOVERED America, but rather he was the first of his LinkedIn connections to know about it.
  • It was also Canadian Thanksgiving this week.  It’s just like the United States’ Thanksgiving, except when a fist-fight breaks out at the Thanksgiving dinner table in Canada, everyone in the family is guaranteed free health care.
  • Hulk Hogan is in the news due to a leaked sex tape of him circulating the internet.  I’ve seen the tape, it has a lot of blonde hair and saggy tits.  But the woman Hulk was boning was pretty cute.

Late Night Jokes for October 2, 2012

  • Last week, there was a Miss Bum Brazil pageant, in which contestants were rated based on how attractive their butt was.  The contest was a tie, however, with 14 Million first place winners.
  • The fashion world is shocked to see that singer Miley Cyrus chopped off her hair, with shorn sides and a shaggy platinum-blonde top.   Miley Cyrus’ father, Billy Ray Cyrus, refrained from passing judgement for fear of being haunted by his achy-breaky mullet.
  • The journalism school at Emory University in Atlanta is shutting down.  The university plans to replace the journalism program with the Emory University School of Making Up Bullshit and Stirring Outrage on Blogs and Comment Threads.
  • Republican Michele Bachmann showed up at a northern Chicago Synagogue on the eve of Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year for Jews—a faith in which Bachmann does not follow.  Many congregants, in protest of the conservative republican’s surprise attendance, left the service.  When asked why she showed up to the Jewish service, Bachmann said, “it was only a fact-finding mission to see if I should use the Jews as my 2016 campaign’s scapegoat.”
  • Vice-Presidential candidate Paul Ryan today said that only 70% of Americans want the American Dream.  He then noted that  by November, 100% of Americans will know that anything that involves Paul Ryan and numbers is a well-chiseled blue-eyed lie.
  • For Wednesday’s Presidential debate, a coin toss will determine which candidate will speak first.  This comes as a setback for Obama, who preferred a mid-court jump-ball instead.  He would have won too.
  • A day before the Presidential debate in Denver, former Denver Broncos quarterback John Elway spoke in support of Mitt Romney.  Romney said of John Elway, I really loved his song “Take Me Home, Country Roads”
  • Arnold Schwartzenegger revealed that he had an affair with actress Bridgette Nielson while she was dating Sylvester Stallone in the 1980s.  Schwartzenegger noted that this was not the last time he would screw the middle class.
  • Reese Witherspoon had her third child last week, and named him Tennessee.  Witherspoon and her husband picked Tennessee out of a list of several other obscure baby names: Newmexico, and Reese Witherspoon Jr.
  • A new study shows that oral sex can cure morning sickness in pregnant women.  The study was conducted by surveying about 2000 very relaxed, smiling fathers-to-be.

Late Night Jokes for August 6, 2012

  • The latest Mars rover, “Curiosity” landed on the Red Planet, becoming the largest rover ever sent there.   NASA contemplated another name for the rover besides, “Curiosity”:  Billy the 2-Billion Dollar Camera
  • One Project Specialist at NASA, dubbed “NASA Mohawk Guy” was spotted in viral photos all over the internet.  He is being compared to another NASA worker photographed when the first Shuttle Took flight:  “NASA 1980s Bowlcut Guy”.
  • Some deficit hawks in Congress have chided the “Curiosity” Mars mission because of its high cost.  NASA scientists have confirmed that those people are the same small-minded miscreants who hated “Back to the Future”.
  • Speaking of the United States government dropping another highly technological device on a parcel of land that is not theirs, today is the 67th anniversary of the United States dropping the Atomic bomb on Hiroshima.
  • The Huffington Post reported today that the number one way to increase your sex life is to become a better kisser.  Specifically, the article says that doing a douchy kissyface in your Facebook profile picture does not count as showcasing your kissing prowess.
  • Today Michael Phelps said that although he won’t compete, he plans on attending the Rio de Janero Olympics in 2016—with his mother.  He said that he and his Mom are both looking forward to cheering on the United States Olympians —-in between clubbing with hot Brazilians till the sun comes up.
  • A better swimmer, Ryan Lachte, today said that in his entire life, he has never had a one night stand.  The gold medalist said the main reason was for not having a one night stand was that he was always having to stop halfway through foreplay to get to 1:00 AM swim practice.
  • Last week, Arnold Schwartzenegger announced that he is establishing a new institute at USC focused on State and Global Policy.  The institute’s mission statement is “to spread modified pushups for peace, and liquid metal cyborgs back in time to stop wars.”
  • President Obama warned today that “Romney Hood” will take from the poor and give to the rich.  And to woo conservative gun nuts, Obama also said that Mitt Romney will take away your guns and replace them with cumbersome bows-and-arrows.

Late Night Jokes for August 1, 2012

  • The birth control mandate to the health care reform law took effect today, allowing for many women to get access to free contraception.  This has enraged many employers saying that it violates their religious views.  More specifically, all of the opponents of the birth control mandate happen to be members of the same religion, the Church of Men and Women who Hate Women.
  • Republican Congressman Mike Kelly today compared the birth control mandate from the Health Care Reform law to the Attack on Pearl Harbor and September 11th.  To go along with Congressman Kelly’s historical allusions, the President today declared war on stupid Congressmen that shouldn’t be allowed to touch a microphone ever again.
  • Today was Chick-Fil-A appreciation day.  The silver lining to it all is that many homophobic jerks were punished with a hearty case of diarrhea.
  • According to a new Gallup poll, 54% of Americans said they would vote for a well-qualified Atheist President.  And instead of saying “God Bless America”, the respondents suggested a few other slogans for politicians to end speeches:

Good Luck Everyone!
There is no God, Only Zuul.
Remember to brush your teeth tonight!
Spade and neuter your pets.
America, Frick Yeah!
Spaghetti-Monster Bless America!
Hakuna Matata!
Take care of yourself, and each other.  I’m Jerry Springer.

  • August 1st is “Star Spangled Banner” composer Francis Scott Key’s birthday.  It is very likely that today, a boring, sad mundane celebration probably happened somewhere to commemorate this, which is fitting since the national anthem a boring, sad, mundane song.
  • Today Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte beat Michael Phelps in yet another event at the Olympic games.  In responding to questions about his sub-par performance this week, Phelps said, “Let’s not blame this on the weed.  I got high before every race in Beijing.”
  • A new study shows strong evidence linking the relieving of stress and forcing a hearty wide-eyed smile.  Doctors warn, though, a bug-eyed grin won’t work in all instances of stress, such as getting cornered by a hungry bear, or telling your boss the truth about why you were late for work again.
  • This fall, all Facebook users will be forced to convert their profiles to the controversial “Timeline” style.  Facebook says this will only be inconvenient if you had a really fun time in college and have now ended up working for a conniving duplicitous snooping employer.

Late Night Jokes for July 31, 2012

  • Today, social media outlets revealed long before NBC could air primetime TV footage that Michael Phelps set the record for most individual medals at the Olympics.  And now for a few other spoilers:  Batman goes down on Catwoman in Dark Knight Rises, and Mitt Romney will spend tomorrow being a total douchebag.
  • Mitt Romney went to Israel this week and placed a prayer in the Western Wall.  Later in the day, Romney revealed the contents of his prayer:  “Dear God, please bring me more Jewish donors this quarter.  If you don’t, I’ll throw a tantrum until you do.  Best, Mitchell.”
  • Porn star Ron Jeremy says that although he’s voting for Obama, he thinks Romney is a “good man”.  Jeremy also noted that since Romney has 5 children and Obama only 2, Romney therefore has more proof of sex-experience than Obama.
  • A bill written by GOP Congressmen had an egregious typo: mistaking the word “employment” for “unemployment”.  Also in the bill, the GOP accidentally refer to women as “men with pre-existing conditions”.
  • A mosaic of 20,000 cupcakes was made in Singapore today, setting a world record.  Written in the cupcake mosaic it read, “Wasting Food is More Fun than Eliminating World Hunger”.
  • Actor Cuba Gooding Jr. is wanted for arrest after shoving a bartender last night.  Gooding claims he didn’t assault anyone, he was just getting carried away with reenacting his Academy Award acceptance speech.
  • Research is being done to link certain bad breaths with health aliments like liver disease and lung cancer.  Progress is being made, as researchers have already proven that if your breath smells like garlic and industrial pasta, you likely have an addiction to The Olive Garden.
  • Jewish communities throughout Europe are gathering together to coordinate the fight to keep circumcision legal.  Excluded from the discussions will be all 8-day-old unnamed Jewish boys—all of whom have the most to lose in the debate.

Late Night Jokes for July 30, 2012

  • Today, a mass-email was sent out by Vice President Biden soliciting fundraising dollars for the Obama/Biden campaign, which might be out-raised by Romney for the third-straight month.   In the email, Biden said, “okay, so which one of my buddies do I have to accidental shoot in the face to earn a second term as Vice President?”
  • In a weekend interview, former Vice President Dick Cheney took credit for President Obama’s tracking down and killing Bin Laden.  Cheney said Bin Laden was killed due to strategic programs that had been in place since the Bush-Cheney administration, which according to that logic, is the same reason the economy is still in shambles.
  • Ratings for Olympic rowing have been down.  Viewers have been complaining that the sport reminds them too much of the Winkelevi from “The Social Network”
  • At the opening ceremony for the London Olympics, Queen Elizabeth set a world record for most continuous scowling by a Corgi owner.
  • Over the weekend, Michael Phelps finished his first Olympic swimming race without a medal for the first time since the 2000 games in Sydney.   Visibly upset, Phelps was then seen wiping his disappointed tears away with one of his six hundred gold medals.
  • A statistical study shows that the least popular birthday of the year is Christmas Day—December 25th.   From that, the average conception date proves that nobody ever gets laid after going to a March Madness Basketball party.
  • Debris from a Boeing 787 engine supposedly fell to the ground and started a fire in South Carolina today.  Officials are trying to figure out whether it was actually a Boeing 787 or if Superman went for a quick flight to fart off some bad Taco Bell.
  • Amazon’s Founder Jeff Bezos pledged $2.5 Million in support of same-sex marriage.  As a result, book sales are rising at Ma and Pa bookstores in white trash towns across America.
  • 65 Years ago this past weekend, the worlds first computer, ENIAC was unveiled—and it was so large, it took up an entire building.  This comes in contrast to the portable iPhones of today, which may only take up the palm of your hand, but they also manage to take up the entire conversation at the dinner table.
  • Dark Knight Rises director Christopher Nolan had his 42nd birthday today.  To celebrate, he had a 20-minute long garbage truck chase that trashed all of Chicago.
  • Today is the 47th anniversary of President Lyndon Johnson signing the Social Security Act of 1965.  To celebrate this occasion, Mitt Romney continued talking about how if elected President, he plans to use the Social Security Act to wipe his frightened dog’s ass.

Late Night Jokes for July 26, 2012

  • Today, the White House announced that the administration will not be pursuing any harsher gun laws this election year.  After the announcement, the NRA lowered it’s pistol pointed at the government and offered apple pie and kool-aid as promised.
  • Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, on a trip to London for the Olympics, questioned publicly whether the city of London is ready to host the Olympic games this weekend.  In response Vice President Biden said, “Damn, Romney would make a good Vice President, ay Barack?”
  • In reaction to Romney’s negative remarks about the logistics of the Olympics in London, the Mayor of London said that it’s a whole lot easier to put on the Olympics in the middle of nowhere–referring to Utah—where Romney chaired the 2002 Olympics.  The citizens of Utah, resenting the Mayor’s characterization, said “We’re not the middle of nowhere, if you read the Book of Mormon, Utah is basically Israel.”
  • For two hours this morning, Gchat and Twitter went down, leaving cubical dwellers desperate to find alternative ways to waste their clients’ billable hours.
  • A new survey shows that Washington, DC leads the United States in cursing.  To reflect this title, the city of DC is altering its license plates to say “Taxation without Motherfucking Representation.  Cock.”
  • Popstar Madonna was booed off stage after only playing for 45 minutes at a concert in Paris.  No one is quite sure why the French crowd turned on Madonna, but some say it might have had something to do with her wearing a shirt that says “Crepes Suck”.
  • Rumor has it that there might be an Indiana Jones 5.  The current draft of the script revolves around Dr. Jones traveling the world to convince movie-goers that there was never an Indiana Jones 4.

Late Night Jokes for July 25, 2012

  • NFL training camp begins this week, and nobody has heard a word from Brett Favre.  This means that there’s still an 80% chance he will consider coming out of retirement, just to feel like his old indecisive media-whore self again.
  • A new poll is showing that women in Ohio are disappointed with Obama, and distrustful of Romney.  What they would really like is a President who can get them the hell out of the great indecisive state of Ohio.
  • GOP Congressmen have blasted the Pentagon for allowing servicemen to appear in uniform while marching in gay pride parades.  Because if there’s anything GOP Congressmen can’t stand, it’s seeing the troops marching happily back home in America.
  • North Korean leader Kim Jong Un got married this week.  On his Bed Bath and Beyond registry, he listed “suede suits” and “absolute power”.
  • A children’s hospital in London is requiring its window washers to dress as superheroes to excite the young hospitalized patients.  When asked how it feels to brighten up so many kids’ days, a window washer, clad in a Spiderman outfit said, “Minimum wage, forced dress-code, barely cheating death to wash birdshit off windows?  Yeah, feeling like a real hero.  Thanks for asking.”
  • Today marks the 144th anniversary of the addition of the state of Wyoming to the United States.  There’s no punchline, when the hell else are we going to talk about Wyoming?
  • Actor Russell Brand was charged with a misdemeanor in the city of New Orleans this week.  The district attorney says Brand was placed under arrest after just…being… himself.
  • The Mayor of Boston has written a furious letter to fast food restaurant Chick-Fil-A telling them that they are unwelcome to open up a restaurant in Boston due to their anti-Gay views.  The Mayor also noted that everyone with a Boston accent will pronounce it “Chick-Fil-Ahhhhh”, which manages to somehow sound even dumber than “Chick-Fil-A”.
  • A study shows that iPhone users have had 2-4 more sex partners than users of any other phone.  And the phone user with the lowest number of sex partners:  rotary telephone users.  Sorry grandma.  The study also reports that iPhone users are 10 times more likely to use their phone while sitting on the toilet.  [holds iPhone out]  Here, can you hold this for me?

Late Night Jokes for July 24, 2012

  • Mitt Romney is excited about the upcoming Olympics in London next week.  Romney said he loves to see foreign people doing the same hard work American athletes do overseas.
  • When asked if he had any regrets about following Trayvon Martin and killing him, George Zimmerman responded, “No, it was all God’s plan.”   When Zimmerman’s lawyer was asked if his client’s comments were indeed true, the attorney said, “Yes it’s true, my client is a murderer AND a total dumbass.”
  • A new study shows that older people who use Twitter are less likely to be depressed.  So the key to eternal happiness is figuring out how to complain about your tapioca pudding in 140 characters.
  • Rapper Snoop Dogg is making his debut reggae album under the name “Snoop Lion”.   Snoop has announced his planned monikers for future albums:

Country:  Snoop Possum

Jazz:  Snoop Cat

Classical String Quartet:  Snoop Caviar

  • The standoff between DirecTV and Viacom has ended, bringing Comedy Central and Nickelodeon back to millions of TV viewers.  Many of the viewers were relieved at the end of the standoff, because to pass the time, they almost considered reading a book.
  • Sir Elton John praised former President George W. Bush for the work he did to fight AIDS.  The former President was flattered by the praise, and said, “Thanks Elton, and I always loved your work in The Beatles.”
  • A “Fifty Shades of Grey” furniture line is being produced.  One item will be a lazy-boy chair built so cheaply in America that you’re guaranteed to get hurt trying to adjust it.
  • Joe Paterno’s record of wins since 1998 was wiped from the record books by NCAA officials.  This isn’t the first time in the past 10 years that someone had to wipe Joe Paterno.

Late Night Jokes for July 16, 2012

  • 39-year-old NBA star Jason Kidd got a DUI after drunkenly crashing his car into a utility pole.  Kidd said he was just testing the media to see if he is still relevant.
  • Ferry Rides across the East River in New York City topped 1 Million last year.  However, ferry ride passenger numbers have dropped for the route from Manhattan across the Hudson river, because when you do that, you end up in New Jersey.
  • A new iPhone Case called the “Yellow Jacket” doubles as a stun gun.  Their slogan is “Don’t Text Me, Bro!  Tase Me!”
  • A man in Oklahoma City spent his birthday handing out $5 bills to 65 random people on a street corner.  He said he handed out the money  because people kept telling him bad stories, so he offered a proper ending to them, “and then a random dude gave me $5.”
  • A new study shows that athletes that get adequate sleep before competition perform much better at their sport.  As a result, the Penn State football program ordered 10 spanking-new beds for their locker room.  Maybe not the best figure of speech for this fact…?
  • At an outdoor concert in London last night, Bruce Springsteen and Sir Paul McCartney were singing on stage together when authorities cut the power mid-song.  Although officially, power was cut because of curfew and noise ordinance violations, it was actually due to the fact that Springsteen and McCartney were subjecting the crowd to listen to one of their crappy new songs no one buys.
  • Jennifer Lopez is leaving her position as a judge on “American Idol”.  Fox advertised the job opening for Lopez’ replacement with posting headline, “Plutocratic production company of unoriginal programming seeking judgmental diva to fill Jennifer Lopez’ ass-groove at the judges table for one season before fading back into obscurity.  Salary to commiserate with experience”.
  • President Obama said in an interview that his greatest failure as President has been not being able to turn policy-making into a clearer story for citizens to absorb.   The President’s vague words were then translated for the simple minded:    “it’s easy to tell nice fairy tale lies lustering-up the sad state of American affairs when  you’re a republican–because facts are always on your side when you have no problem just making them up to scare people and spite the President.”

Late Night Jokes for July 12, 2012

  • A Penn State-funded investigation report was released today detailing how Penn State officials put the reputation of the school ahead of protecting Jerry Sandusky’s victims. When asked why they funded an investigation that could expose their faults, Penn State officials said, “we thought it would be good for our reputation!” And then they winked.
  • Daniel Tosh issued an apology for telling a female audience member, “Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now”. To commend his apology, Tosh was offered a new job as an assistant coach on the Penn State football team.
  • Yahoo is reporting that their website was hacked, leading to over 400,000 passwords being exposed. To make matters worse, the 1/3 of all the hacked passwords were some variation of “BigFatTitties666”.
  • An ex-CIA agent is now saying that the alien spaceship landing at Roswell New Mexico actually happened. The ex-CIA agent apparently broke his silence after discovering ALF reruns on Netflix.
  • Politicians will be banned from participating at this year’s 9/11 memorial ceremony at Ground Zero. However, politicians are still welcome to exploit the tragedy for political gain in 2013.
  • Charlie Sheen has announced that he wants to replace Steven Tyler as a judge on American Idol, because how serendipitous would it be to have talent be judged by a coke head with no talent.
  • The republican-controlled House of Representatives voted for the 33rd time to repeal the Health Care Reform Law. With thirty three consecutive failed bouts at their top goal, the House of Representatives has earned itself a new nickname: the Chicago Cubs.
  • Retail giant Target is refusing to sell copies of gay R&B singer Frank Ocean’s debut album, “Channel Orange”. Target insisted that this wasn’t because they donate to homophobic politicians, but because they want to only sell music by model citizens like Kid Rock and Chris Brown.

Late Night Jokes for July 11, 2012

  • American people’s confidence in TV news is at an all-time low.  People polled said the biggest reason they have little confidence in TV news is because their programming shares the same medium with societal derelicts like Snooki and Daniel Tosh. 
  • “Comedian” Daniel Tosh is under fire for telling a woman in the audience at one of his shows that she should “get raped by 5 guys”.  Tosh plans on using the footage of the exchange on his show, “Tosh.O”, where he will describe it as, “now watch as this not-funny mediawhore in skateboard shoes tries to tell a joke, oh and now here comes the part where he learns the hard way that comedy is more than just shock statements and guys getting hit in the balls with wifflebats…and now he realizes that he’s just an abyss of talent and a giant douche that’s only funny to frat guys.”
  • The Washington Monument is going to be fitted with a giant scaffolding to repair damage from 2011’s earthquake.  While many are excited to see that the Monument will be getting its needed repairs, Rick Santorum is upset because he’s concerned it will look like the National Mall is flanked by a phallus —wearing a no no balloon—a ribbed condom.  So giant phallus on National Mall = OK.  Ribbed condom on giant phallus on National Mall = problem for Rick Santorum.
  • Woody Guthrie, who penned the folk song, “This Land Is Your Land”, would have turned 100 years old this week.  An updated version of the song was recorded, with the lyrics to more accurately reflect the current times:  “This land is your land / you oil baron man / From your fields in Texas / to your paid-off Congressman”
  • Republican Congressman Allen West decried that “Social security is a form of slavery.”  In the same speech, he discussed that the main cause to the American Civil War was because citizens in the North and South kept forgetting what their nine-digit social security numbers were.
  • The University of Pittsburgh football team have recruited a placekicker that goes by the name, Chris Blewitt.  The Panthers also plan on signing a three-star quarterback named Jason Interceptionthrower, and a talented offensive lineman named Frank Illegalhandstotheface. 
  • In the Georgetown neighborhood of Washington DC, a cupcake company unveiled a vending machine that vends fresh cupcakes.  First Lady Michelle Obama weighed in on this saying, “I think you’re taking a very loose interpretation of my orders to have vending machines that sell fresh foods—and for crying out loud, pink frosting is NOT a fruit!” 
  • MSNBC is reporting on a Texas Christian University study which says that when the economy gets bad, women tend to “dress to impress” more.  MSNBC also said that when the economy gets bad, MSNBC reports about irredeemable studies that don’t help the economy. 
  • A judge in Mississippi has issued an order to allow the state’s only abortion clinic to stay open.  The judge’s order kept the state of Mississippi being added to AAA’s list of “worst states to drunkenly hook up in”.
  • A conservative values organization is announcing that their members are boycotting Google for it’s “Legalize Love” campaign—which advocates for gay marriage rights.  The boycotters say that when they have a question that needs answering, instead of Google, they will turn to the old-fashioned way of getting information:  taking a trip to the library and checking out a copy of the Bible.  “Mom, according to this book, the nearest Wal-Mart is in Nazareth.  I guess I’ll just have you trim my mullet at home again…”

Late Night Jokes for July 10, 2012

  • Tom Cruise turned 50 years old last week.  At his birthday party, guests ate cake and placenta.
  • The Obama Campaign sent out a mass email with the subject line “Re:  I will be out spent”.  At that point, millions of elderly internet-using democrats thought to themselves, “I don’t remember emailing Barack Obama.  Thank goodness he replied though.  I better donate.”
  • A new study shows that sitting for less than 3-hours per day will add up to two years to your life.   Because of this, thousands of baseball players are now prepping for a much shorter life.
  • Television ratings for this week’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game are expected to be at an all-time low.  To create hype, the league will be legalizing steroids for one night only, to which players have decried, “But that’s the way we always play!”
  • An American tourist in Spain was gored at the annual “Running of the Bulls”.  And because of this, investors on Wall Street were satisfied that they finally had a tangible bloody metaphor for the down-turning economy over the last five years.
  • Gender-based classroom segregation is on the rise in some public schools.  Proponents are saying that they only changed the policies to reflect a growing concern of “girl/boy cooties” among 4-9 year olds.
  • Justin Bieber got pulled over for speeding in Los Angeles last week.  Officers refused to cut the popstar a break despite the fact that Bieber was speeding away from 10,000 12- year-olds armed to the teeth with iPhone cameras.
  • Acquitted murderer/convicted armed robber OJ Simpson turned 65 years old yesterday.  And since OJ is getting older, his prison mates have changed his nickname from “Juice” to “Prune Juice”.

Late Night Jokes for July 3, 2012

  • Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are filing for divorce.  And later this week, Cruise will be visiting Oprah’s house, where he plans to jump around on her futon shouting, “I hate this woman!”
  • Former Presidential “candidate” Herman Cain is launching his own TV network—because who doesn’t want to hear what an egotistical pizza peddler has to say.  History books are now being re-written to say that the best way to land a TV deal in contemporary America is to pretend to run for President.
  • A man in Rhode Island won a $180,000 lottery the day after his son won a $1,000 lottery.  This story’s crazy, because I didn’t realize Don King was the lottery commissioner in Rhode Island.
  • The CEO or Research in Motion–the maker of Blackberry–has denied that the smartphone maker is “not in a death spiral”.  He continued to say, “iPhone is just kicking our ass in every category but volume of buttons.”
  • More than 300,000 people in West Virginia are without power following vicious storms over the weekend.  And for most of these West Virginians, it was just another manic Monday.
  • This week, Vice President Joe Biden said that “The GOP doesn’t respect teachers.”  And then to tangentially relate to teachers, Vice-President Biden told a story about how as a kid, he loved to throw his pencil in the ceiling tiles when his teacher wasn’t looking.  And then he explained about how how his favorite game as a 12-year old was to shout a muffled “PENIS” louder than his buddy on the other side of the classroom.
  • New Orleans Saints football coach Sean Payton and his wife have filed for divorce.  She said that Coach Payton kept offering to pay her large sums of money to beat up her friends at the country club.
And now for some history:
  • Mike Tyson turned 46 years old over the weekend.  However he returned the gift that his relatives got him:  a skin-graft.
  • On this day in 1985, July 3, Back to the Future was released.  And this week, Michael J Fox and Christopher Lloyd reunited on stage at a parkinsons convention—where they were joined by the actual Delorean time machine.  Soon after, Fox and Lloyd got in the car and drove back to September 11, 2011 and encouraged TSA employees to “search harder for boxcutters”.  And then they took a detour to 1961 in Hawaii, where they stole future President Obama’s birth certificate.  Doc remarked, “GREAT SCOTT!  IT’S REAL!”
  • It was Canada Day over the weekend.  And in the United States, it’s was a day where many conservatives contemplated actually moving to Canada—- due to the Supreme Court upholding Health Care Reform.  Little do they know, now the United States and Canada are Health Care TWINSIES!   So now conservatives are taking a page out of Mitt Romney’s playbook and considering taking their money and religion to Mexico.
  • The iPhone turned 5 years old over the weekend.  To celebrate, Siri kept repeating, “It’s my birthday and I’ll refuse reception if I want to.”

Late Night Jokes for June 28, 2012

  • Initially, CNN announced that the health care bill was struck down.  Later, when they corrected the mistake, a CNN spokesman said that CNN’s goal was actually to beat Fox News at the race to produce the most false health care update first.
  • Senator Rand Paul commented on the health care ruling by saying, “just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be ‘constitutional’ does not make it so. The whole thing remains unconstitutional…”   Senator Paul also said that just because you are a US Senator, that doesn’t mean you’re educated or decent or able to form arguments that make any sense.
  • Because of millions of Americans will now get health care and won’t have to leave the country, Canada will be abandoning plans to build their version of the statue of Liberty to welcome health care-seeking immigrants:  a paler version of lady liberty holding a hockey stick in one hand, and punching someone’s teeth out in the other.
  • The upholding of the health care law means that people cannot be denied coverage due to preexisting medical conditions.  So even if you’re a morbidly obese Oxycontin addict that has some syndrome that keeps you from ever telling the truth on your lousy radio show, you can still get health care coverage.
  • Nations around the world are be weighing in on the validity of their own mandatory health care laws.  The Swiss supreme court ruled that, well, they don’t really care either way.  But they will be happy to guard health care money for future generations at their trusty Swiss banks.In other news…
  • Ancient human ancestors ate tree bark, according to a new study.  It’s not as bad as it sounds, since at that time period in history, humans ate it with Heinz Tomato Ketchup and LSD.
  • David Beckham failed to make the British Olympic soccer team.  Instead, he will spend the duration of the Olympics doing what he’s good at:  schtuping Spice Girls and giving himself buzzcuts.
  • A bus tour of progressive nuns has sparked The Vatican to be concerned about “radical feminism”.  Because if there are two things that The Vatican has a problem with, it’s critical thinking and women.

Late Night Jokes for June 27, 2012

  • This week marks the 25th anniversary of the film, Spaceballs.  And to celebrate it, Hollywood is producing a remake of Spaceballs starring Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith.
  • President Obama was accused of taunting Red Sox fans during a recent visit to Boston.  While commenting on the Red Sox’s 80 year World Series drought, he told the crowd, “I don’t believe in sports curses, I just believe in stupid fans and crappy teams.”
  • A new sex scandal is jarring Capitol Hill. Paul Ryan was caught having non-consensual sex with an Ayn Rand book
  • Martial Arts washout Chuck Norris is slamming Obama for promoting a “pro-gay agenda” in the Boy Scouts of America.  And at last, the  kickboxing coward has admitted that the one thing that brings out his inner scaredy-cat is a couple of gay men sporting merit badges.
  • A new study has shown that brand name cereal companies are advertising their sugary cereals more than ever to children.  There are, however, little known advertisements by children’s cereal companies aimed at targeting adults:

–Captain Crunch:  “A pirate cereal to start a long day of swindling on wall street!”
–Cocoa Puffs:  “Yeah, they look like rabbit shit…but the taste is the exact opposite!”
–Rice Krispys:  “If you don’t hear cracking when you add milk, you should probably turn up your hearing aides.”
–Honey Nut Cheerios:  “You’re old enough to go behind your mother’s back and get the less healthy Cheerios.”

  • It has been 40 years since Title IX was passed, leading to equal provisions for men’s and women’s college sports.  Title IX is also being lauded for 40 years of being a great topic of conversation to out a misogynist.
  • 66% of Americans favor Obama to defend the United States against a hypothetical invasion by space aliens.  The same group of respondents feared that in the same situation, Mitt Romney would only pin them down and shave their heads because they were too “different”.
  • A German court has ruled that religious male circumcision is assault.  This comes in contrast to the conventional wisdom about foreskin in Germany:  “It is inferior, the cause of all problems, and must be eliminated.”

Late Night Jokes for June 26, 2012

  • College Presidents approved adapting a playoff system for crowning the National Champion of Division 1 college football—which will help smaller schools get a shot at the title.  The top reason for the change?  The Presidents said that, “The Bowl Championship Series reminded them too much of Jerry Sandusky:  old, manipulative, helpful to the big guys, yet abusive to the little guys.”
  • Insiders at Mitt Romney’s campaign are saying that Romney and his strategy team are struggling with the issue of immigration.  As a result, senior staff held an emergency meeting with the topic, “How to win someone’s approval while simultaneously chasing them out of the country with pitchforks and torches?”
  • Law school grads are finding the job market to be extra difficult this summer—because not only are there no new jobs, but the law school grads are only now realizing just how much they always hated going to law school.
  • Florida Governor Rick Scott has declared a State of Emergency as Tropical Storm Debby made landfall today.  This is contrary to the advice given to him by former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who said, “no need for alarm.  Angry little storms never hurt anyone.  Or displaced them from their homes.  Or flooded a town.  Or damaged the Super Dome.”
  • Today is Michael Vick’s 32nd Birthday.  Or in dog years, he is now 224.
  • The tower in London known as “Big Ben” will be renamed Elizabeth, to honor the Queen.  And at the same ceremony, the parking garage will be renamed Voldemort.
  • A McDonalds in London that seats 1500 diners will open in the Olympic park— just in time for the summer games.  Some are saying that McDonalds is hoping to sabotage non-American Olympians’ health, particularly because they are  erecting signs that say “Third World Olympians Eat Here For Free”.
  • Facebook has received lots of negative feedback after replacing all users’ email addresses with generic numerical email addresses on users’ profiles.  Next up, Facebook plans to replace users’ profile pictures with a photo of Mark Zuckerberg smiling while burning money.
  • A new study says that drinking coffee can lead to a healthier heart.  Researchers say this is due to coffee drinkers spending many minutes per day waiting in line at Starbucks to avoid the stresses caused by actually working.

Late Night Jokes for June 25, 2012

  • The NBA finals are over —-with Lebron James and the Miami Heat taking the NBA Championship over the Oklahoma City Thunder.  This proves yet again, that all it takes is a young naive rogue selfish jerk that resents the land that raised him to get America to rally in support of Oklahoma City.
  • Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen have signed on be in a movie together.  Filmmakers are considering a number of names to the film: 
    • –The Messiah and the Mess 
    • –The Passion of the Hacks
    • Lethal Weapon 5:  Murdoch Gets Replaced by a Cokehead
    • How to Lose Jewish Friends and Alienate Hookers
  • Celebrity dog Uggie the Jack Russell Terrier put his paws in concrete on Hollywood Boulevard over the weekend.  Entertainment reporters were miffed that in lieu of doing a formal interview, Uggie preferred to sniff reporters’ crotches and pee on the sidewalk.  Reporters said Uggie was attempting to do some sort of R-Kelly impression.
  • The American Academy of Pediatrics is now recommending 1-2 hours of TV per day for kids ages 2-5.  They are also recommending for kids eat to 1-2 bags of Doritos per day, and then wash it down with 6-7 Red Bulls.
  • Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek suffered a mild heart attack over the weekend.  He said the heart attack began when he learned that gas prices in southern California might finally dip below $100-per-gallon.  [*Finger Mustache* What is a ‘sale’?]
  • The Vatican has hired a Fox News reporter to work on improving the Catholic Church’s messaging.  But on his first day at the job, the Fox News reporter was fired for having consensual sex with a grown-up.
  • Chief Justice John Roberts
    • “…Obama stops blaming me for flubbing his oath of office.  It was his fault.”
  • Justice Samuel Alito
    • “…Obama lets me, my wife, and my kids see the pictures of Osama Bin Laden’s bloodied dead corpse.”
  •  Justice Antonin Scalia
    • “…Obama promotes me to Chief Justice, instead of that rat bastard Roberts.”
  • Justice Anthony Kennedy
    • “…Obama can get the American public to stop assuming that I’m a liberal windsurfing womanizing drunk catholic Masshole chowderhead, just because my last name is Kennedy.”
  • Justice Clarence Thomas
    • “…Obama issues an Executive Order to allow Supreme Court Justices to sexually harass their coworkers, as well as decriminalizing the adding of discarded nether region hair to Coke cans if the intent is an all-deliberate malicious prank.”

Late Night Jokes for June 21, 2012

  • President Barack Obama scolded Mitt Romney today, saying that “we have one President at a time”.  Romney responded, “Barack, I’m a Mormon.  You know I have no idea what ‘one at a time’ means.”
  • Actress Charlize Theron has shaved her head for her role in an upcoming film.  The film she is starring in is a biopic titled, “Britney Spears: The Flipping Her Shit Years”.
  • Speaker of the House John Boehner has instructed Congressional republicans “not to gloat” if Obama’s health care law is overturned by the Supreme Court.  Speaker Boehner continued to say that republicans may only gloat if they pass a law themselves before the year is over.
  • Congress finally passed the Farm Bill on Thursday.   Lawmakers said the process of passing bills lately has been excruciatingly painful, embarrassing, and time consuming.  As a result, Congress will start referring to bills as “Kidney stones”.
  • Inmates at Fulton County Jail in Atlanta are being asked by the guards to try to crack new locks on their cell doors.  Guards have said that if the inmates can successfully break the locks to get out of their cells, they will get free food.  Unbeknownst to the guards though, the inmates have made a pact that if they can crack the locks, they’re going to pretend the locks work, pass on the  free food, and escape to their sweet sweet freedom.
  • Temperatures exceeding 100 degrees in New York have led to an Ice Cream shortage throughout the city.  As a result, Department of Health officials in New York are reporting a spike in incidents of lactose intolerance.
  • Prince William is feeling a bit old since he turned 30 years old today.  So in good English tradition, he assembled a team of savage explorers to find him the Fountain of Youth.  But unlike the English explorers of the 1500s, Prince William’s team just went out to Home Depot and bought William a swingset and a FisherPrice throne.
  • Over $300,000 in donations have been made to console an elderly woman who was verbally harassed until she cried by middle schoolers on a bus she was chaperoning on.  She says with the money, she plans to buy-off a couple of local politicians and get them to legalize the beating of little punk middle schoolers.
  • A double-leg amputee has climbed Mount Kilimanjaro by walking with only his hands.  When asked for comment on this feat, cyclist Lance Armstrong said, “Wow, I gotta find out what kinda steroids he uses.”
  • The maker of Hebrew National Hot Dogs is being sued over allegations that their meat products are not 100% kosher.  Mel Gibson chimed in on the issue and said, “oh you people are always looking for a reason to complain.”

Late Night Jokes for June 20, 2012

  • Historians are saying that President Thomas Jefferson, if he were alive today, would not be a fan of many of President Barack Obama’s policies.  However, historians are also saying that Thomas Jefferson would have loved Michelle Obama.
  • The United States and Israeli military created a ‘Flame’ virus aimed at hacking Iran’s computers in an effort to curb Iran’s nuclear program.  When asked why they chose cyber-warfare over an invasion, Israeli and United States military officials said, “ya know we wanted to hit ’em with something as inconvenient as a nuclear bomb, but without all that noise and burned flesh stank.”
  • On this day in 1782, the United States Congress adopted the Great Seal of the United States.  Lawmakers back then thought that calling it “The Great Seal” would symbolize a strong honest government.  And what better way to symbolize strength and honesty than to call it a “Great Seal” when it is clearly not a seal, but only a flattened bird holding 13 arrows and a twigs from a bitter tree.
  • Today, Republican Congressman Ron Paul admitted that even though he is on Social Security,  he still believes it is unconstitutional.  Congressman Paul also admitted that even though he likes getting head, he does not enjoy giving head.
  • A new study shows that living in an area close to noisy traffic and loud honking car horns can lead to an increased heart risk.  As a result, New York cabbies are starting to yell at each other, “GO FASTER AND FUCKING TURN ALREADY, OR ELSE MY HEART IS GOING TO BE AT RISK.”
  • A Kansas Boy Scout accomplished the rare achievement of earning all 132 merit badges.  After that, he was awarded a 133rd merit badge for being the biggest dork in his entire school.
  • Deep fried cereal was recently unveiled at the San Diego County fair.  And the advertising campaign for deep fried cereal is going to say, “Every morning at breakfast, you’re another day closer to death.  But with deep fried cereal, you can bring yourself a just a little bit closer.”
  • A man from California had to abandon his sailboat after it was struck by a whale and began to sink off the coast of Mexico.   The man said that the whale got all agitated when he called out to the whale, “‘YO BLUBBER ASS, POSE FOR A PICTURE, WOULDYA?’.”
  • Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett Smith appeared with Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton today to call on the media to pay more attention to the atrocities of human trafficking.  But during the question and answer session afterward, reporters refused to ask any intelligent questions about human trafficking until Will Smith agreed to sing the Fresh Prince of Bel Air song.

Late Night Jokes for June 19, 2012

  • Glenn Beck announced that he is working on a conservative TV show to “counter the effects of ‘Glee'”.  Beck’s new conservative ‘Glee’ ripoff will chronicle the daily lives of a clique of high school football jocks and cheerleaders who occasionally sing, in between flunking basic math and bullying gay students.
  • It was leaked today that President Barack Obama will be prepping for debating Mitt Romney with the help of Senator John Kerry—who will play the role of Mitt Romney in mock-debates with the President.  Obama said that he wanted, “a filthy rich New England douchebag to teach him how to debate another much larger filthy rich New England douchebag.”
  • Over the weekend, the Beach Boys performed a live concert at Central Park in New York.  This show was part of the Beach Boys’ “Still Playing The Same Sterile Music You Can’t Really Dance To For White 50-Year-Olds in the U-S of A” Tour.
  • Speaking of sterile music for yuppies…  Singer Barry Manilow turned 69 this past weekend.  He said his goal for this year is to sleep with sixty nine 69-year-old women while he is 69 years old.  Contrary to what you may now be thinking, he prefers missionary.  And he will accomplish this goal by next Tuesday.
  • A new study shows 32% of Americans under the age of 30 do not believe in God.  The main reason young people don’t believe in God much anymore?  The internet—-because who needs to worship and pray to a higher power when you can you get a date, order Chinese food, and create self-aggrandizing status updates to all of your old high school nemeses—- all while sitting in your underwear with an iPad over your crotch?
  • Two female members of the State Legislature in Michigan were formally silenced by republicans for saying the word “Vagina” while speaking on the Legislature floor.  The same day, republican legislators in Michigan released a list of additional terms they consider to be too disturbing for the Michigan public:  “Profit”, “Decent cars”, “Super Bowl title”, and “great place to take an exotic vacation”.
  • This week in 1858, after accepting the Illinois Republican Party’s nomination for the U.S. Senate, Abraham Lincoln said the slavery issue had to be resolved, declaring his famous quote, “A House divided against itself cannot stand.”  To commemorate this, Speaker of the House John Boehner tried paraphrasing Lincoln’s saying, to which he said, “a House divided against itself is the best way to trick people into believing Obama is the one screwing the country.”
  • Today, republican Senator Marco Rubio said that he would have illegally immigrated to the United States if he had to.  In response, Mitt Romney explained that this is the reason he will NOT hire Rubio as his Vice-Presidential running mate, nor as his landscaper.
  • John Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter, is releasing a new book detailing her affair with former Senator John Edwards.  The book is titled, “Bumping Uglies With Hollow Suits and How It Can Score You a Book Deal”.

Late Night Jokes for June 14, 2012

  • Popstar Chris Brown was injured last night after getting attacked at a nightclub in New York.  Police are not sure what the assailant looks like, but they do know the assailant goes by the name, “Karma”.
  • Donald Trump turned 66 years old today.  His hairdo turned 35.
  • On Wednesday, San Francisco Giants pitcher Matt Cain became only the 23rd pitcher to throw perfect game in the history of Major League Baseball— in a 10-0 win over the Houston Astros.  After the game, however, the Los Angeles Dodgers showed up and mugged Cain in the parking lot.
  • The will of the late Penn State football coach, Joe Paterno was publicly released Thursday.  In the will, Paterno bequeathed his incontinence to Jerry Sandusky.
  • A study shows that the average price of 4-year universities jumped 15% between 2008 and 2010.  And even more bad news for college students: there has been a 30% increase in the price of Easy Mac and weed.
  • A source close to Prince William and Princess Kate said that the couple plans to attempt to conceive a baby between September 2012 and the summer of 2013.  But until then, the royal couple plans to “just bone in the Queen’s bed like we usually do.”
  • Actor-producer Mark Wahlberg said he plans to finish high school and earn his diploma sometime this year.   In fact, Wahlberg has already made lots of new friends at is high school—- because he is now the only student old enough to buy beer and guns for his classmates.
  • Today is flag day.   In addition, it is the anniversary of President Eisenhower adding the line, “One Nation Under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance.  And to celebrate this, former Vice President Al Gore suggested that there should be a more accurate line in the Pledge:  “One Nation Under A Deteriorating Ozone Layer”.
  • Research has shown that living in New York City increases one’s life expectancy.  More specifically, researchers have said that paying rent that is too high and yelling, “AYY F#%K YOU” from the back of a cab during traffic jams are very healthy exercises.

Late Night Jokes for June 13, 2012

  • University of North Dakota will be relinquishing it’s athletics moniker, The Fighting Sioux, after the state voted it to be “too offensive”.  Instead, the University of North Dakota will be renaming their mascot, The Drinking Yah Dontchaknows.
  • Apple unveiled its latest operating system, iOS 6, on Tuesday.  The new system has functions designed to make it easier to post on Facebook.  Apple estimates that it will now be 50 times more likely that you’ll accidentally post a picture of your ding-dong on your Facebook profile.
  • A recent study has shown that eating fish oils—Omega 3 Fatty Acids— does not fend off dementia as well as previously determined.  So now you have no excuse for throwing raw salmon at your grandma—you’re just being a jerk.
  • Former President of Egypt, Hosni Mubarak is gravely ill while serving time in prison.  He has expressed that he fears that the prison doctors want him dead.  Mubarak became suspicious after he overheard one of the doctors say, “I don’t care if he’s wearing them when he dies—I call dibs on old-man Hosni’s aviator sunglasses.”
  • A woman in a St. Louis Wal-Mart was caught shoplifting and cooking meth inside of the Wal-Mart store.  Wal-Mart security guards had her kicked out of the store after she admitted she was also part of a labor union.
  • A poll released today shows that most Americans oppose the use of unmanned drone planes for routine police reconnaissance.  The same Americans also suggested that police do their spying the same way the rest of America does:  with Facebook.  (Yes we are aware that there now have been two Facebook-related punchlines today)
  • The owners of Main Street Diner in Council Bluffs, Iowa are furious at the Mitt Romney Campaign.  The owners say that the campaign staff caused damage all over the restaurant—including ripping table cloths, breaking holes into the roof, and they even smashed a framed picture of the owner’s father.  Witnesses said the melee started when Romney threw a fit after the diner refused to serve him caviar with his grilled cheese.
  • This week, Burger King introduces a Bacon Sundae—an entire ice cream dish topped with real bacon.  And with every purchase of a Bacon Sundae, Burger King will be giving away shirts that say, “My cholesterol level is MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS.”
  • A homeless man in Colorado was awarded $77,000 after he found the money in the trash, turned it into authorities, and nobody came forward to claim it.  With his new spoils, the homeless man treated himself to night at the Four Seasons Hotel, where he slept on a king size bed made entirely of newspaper and discarded Domino’s Pizza boxes.
  • The town of Middleborough, Massachusetts approved a mandatory fine of $20 if caught swearing in public.  The town has included one exception to this law, making it legal to swear in public whenever the New England Patriots blow a perfect season in the Super Bowl.

Late Night Jokes for June 12, 2012

  • Today is the 25th anniversary of Ronald Reagan’s speech at the Berlin Wall.  Sarah Palin released a statement about that saying, “Today we remember President Ronald Reagan’s iconic quote about the Berlin Wall:  ‘All in all we’re just another brick in the wall, Mr. Gorbachev.'”
  • The LAPD is reporting that someone found a pair of human lungs on the sidewalk in South Los Angeles.  Detectives have speculated that rapper Snoop Dogg may have received a double lung transplant, the doctor stole the old lungs to sell on eBay, then changed his mind as he drove back to to his Mansion in Brentwood.
  • The Los Angeles Kings hockey team have won their first Stanley Cup Trophy in their 45-year history.   At their victory parade this Thursday, the team plans to distribute team photographs and flyers explaining that Los Angeles actually has a hockey team, and they actually won the Stanley Cup while the rest of the city was doing LA’s 3 S’es:   surfing, shopping, or stuck in traffic.
  • The Oklahoma City Thunder have made it to the NBA Finals for the first time.  However, it may be a while before the Thunder get to play any Finals games due to a filibuster by Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn.
  • The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers will be announcing new internet suffixes to replace .com—- some of which will include .lol .bank and .music.   There are a few others they are considering, and which include .boobs  .batshitcrazyconspiracytheory and .catvideos
  • The People’s Republic of China is reportedly planning to have a manned space launch this month.  While on the mission, the Chinese astronauts hope to study the effects of zero-gravity on child labor.
  • Commerce Secretary John Bryson has been placed on medical leave after supposedly having a seizure while driving his car, which caused a pair of car crashes over the weekend.  To comfort Secretary Bryson, former President George W. Bush called Bryson on the phone and told him, “Don’t you worry, Johnny.  It could be worse, my Secretary of Commerce crashed the entire economy.”
  • Starbucks is introducing new products to sell at its coffee shops to help support creating jobs in America.  Some of the products include a book to translate the serving sizes from smug Starbucks language to English, as well as a small Starbucks coffee maker, so you can make burned coffee from the comfort of your home.

Late Night Jokes for June 11, 2012

  • Lebron James and the Miami Heat have returned to the NBA Finals for the second year in a row.  And today, republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney spoke to Lebron James about this saying, “it’s okay if the American public hates you— as long as you are a multimillionaire, and can kick and scream your way to a dismal second place defeat.”
  • Apple CEO Tim Cook is expected to unveil the latest details for the new iPhone and MacBook operating system.  Cook said that the latest line of Apple software was designed with the late Steve Jobs’  clear-minded Buddhist influence—particularly the sect of Buddhism that encourages followers to sell overpriced shiny electronics made with child labor to American consumers.
  • Adventurist Nik Wellenda plans to walk across Niagara Falls on a tight rope this week.  Yes, he hopes that after he walks across the falls on a tight rope, he can finally get inducted into the “Do Crazy Shit For Attention Hall of Fame”.
  • Fifty years ago today, the only escapees from Alcatraz prison made their infamous getaway from the prison island in San Francisco Bay.  However, this morning, all three of the fugitive escapees were located and arrested after being duped into doing a one of those trite reunion interviews on The Today Show.
  • “Willy Wonka” actor Gene Wilder today celebrates his 79th birthday.  According to relatives, his birthday wish was, “YOU KIDS KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF MY CHOCOLATE”.
  • The National Football League is considering adding sideline concussion tests during the games this year.  Players are concerned, however, because unlike college, there will be no one to take these tests for them.
  • In Idaho, a ban was lifted on selling a vodka called “Five Wives Vodka”, after the drink had been called offensive to Mormons.  The vodka will now be sold under its new name, “Larry King’s Personal Life”.
  • A recent study has shown that too little sleep each night can increase ones risk for a stroke.   In a related study, too little sleep has been linked to unsupervised internet use and the work day starting too goddamn early.
  • The family of Fahrenheit 451 author Ray Bradbury —who passed away last week — has spoken about the legendary author during his final days.  Apparently, his last words were “Michael Moore still owes me $10 Million bucks.”

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