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Guns N’ Roses Got Back Together ‘In This Lifetime’

Guns N’ Roses finally played a rock show again. And fans say it all lived up to the hype that has been building since the summer of 1993. Axl Rose, Slash, and Duff McKagan are officially back in the same band.

Friday night at the Troubador in Los Angeles, Guns N’ Roses played an intimate surprise concert. It had only been announced mere hours prior. A limited number of tickets (around 250) went on sale for only $10, setting off a massive line of would-be concert-goers at the corner of Sunset Boulevard and Horne Avenue by 10:00 AM.

By the evening, the excitement had been brewing all day.

Even as late as 11:00 PM, some fans congregating outside the Troubador speculated that this could be some elaborate April Fools prank. And if it was, the thirty or so sheriff’s deputies on hand would have had a long night of thwarting riots.

But all signs were proving that this was no hoax. Literally:

guns-n-roses-not-in-this-lifetime-troubador-west-hollywood-california-2016-troubador

Photo by Brian Fishbach

Under a marquee sign that read “GUNS N ROSES, NOT IN THIS LIFETIME,” hundreds of envious fans gathered outside the Troubador in black leather, red bandanas, and GNR concert shirts. A few lamented that they shelled out as much as $1,000 to buy scalped admission wristbands, only to find out they were scammed. Real fans that obtained the scarce wristbands knew they could not put a price on rock music history.

Before the show, a few A-list celebrities dined at the next door Italian restaurant, Dan Tana’s. Spotted among them were Bradley Cooper and his mother Gloria, David Arquette, Chris Brown, and Jim Carrey. Others inside the Troubador included Nicholas Cage, Andrew Dice Clay, Lana Del Ray, Colin Hanks, Kate Hudson, and Lenny Kravitz.

Bradley Cooper arriving at the Guns N' Roses reunion show in West Hollywood. April 1, 2016

Photo by Brian Fishbach

The West Hollywood concert venue only has a capacity of 500. But in a few days, Guns N’ Roses will be entertaining entire football stadiums, and even headlining Coachella. Face-value for some of the best seats is in the ballpark of $500.

As lucky fans and VIP guests made their way into the Troubador, they were instructed to tuck their phones into green pouches that lock shut. The pouches, made by tech company Yondr, thwart fans from polluting the concert with endless smartphone picture-takers and annoying amateur videographers. Comedians Dave Chapelle and Louie CK have required their audiences to use the Yondr pouches at their recent shows as well. It also keeps the bootleg audio of their newest jokes off the internet.

But the no-phones rule didn’t stop a few fans from snapping some photos from the inside. The first photo of Axl on stage posted to Instagram just after midnight.

axl troubador 2016

Photo by Instagram users kunkfu33 and ali_shayesteh_management

Guns N’ Roses opened with “It’s So Easy,” and tore through a thorough setlist that included radio hits “Mr. Brownstone,” “Welcome to the Jungle,” and “Sweet Child O’Mine.” They didn’t have time for the nine-minute ballad, “November Rain.” But it all built up to an encore that closed the night with “Paradise City.”

Like any ordinary concert, fans scooped-up paper setlists and Slash’s guitar picks. One fan even caught a whistle that Axl threw into the crowd.

All of the grateful attendees were issued a souvenir black ticket (since their prized admission ticket had only been a wristband.) It was clearly an homage to their humble roots in the 1980s Los Angeles glam-rock scene, blended with a modern-day hashtag, #GnFnR. The ticket read,

GUNS N’ ROSES

DATE: Fri. April 1st

TIME: Sometime After 11 PM

#GnFnR

This was no ordinary concert. Guns N’ Roses are back. And now they are all warmed up to go on their first tour together in over twenty years.

guns n roses ticket troubador 2016

Photo by Instagram user paulhebertphoto

guns n roses setlist 2016 troubador

Photo by Instagram user damipantaleone


Jeremy Piven and Deryck Whibley Rock Out in Hollywood

Jeremy Piven Drums, Deryck Whibley Returns to the Stage, & Playboy Playmates Dazzle—All for Charity

Jeremy Piven and Deryck Whibley Rock Out in Hollywood

By Brian Fishbach (@BrianFishbach)

While Horrible Bosses 2 was premiering at the TCL Chinese Theater, the best party in Hollywood last night was rocking just a block away—at a bowling alley of all places.

In support of The Los Angeles Regional Food Bank and hosted by Lucky Strike Live at the corner of Hollywood and Highland, the charity event was pure entertainment for the couple-hundred fans, friends, and family of the performers.

The night began with the band Toddsplanet, fronted by H20 founder and touring Offspring guitarist Todd Morse. The 10-piece orchestra featured a talented, energetic brood of musicians specializing in rock-hip-hop-groovy-hybrid cover songs mostly from the late 20th century. As they opened their set with covers of “Back in Black”, “Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked”, and the Rolling Stones’ “Miss You”, the bowling alley turned into the House of Blues.

About halfway through the set, Morse called into the crowd for a guest drummer: strutting to the stage in a light-blue blazer came Entourage star Jeremy Piven. After a quick twirling of the drumsticks, Piven and the rest of Toddsplanet rocked a spot-on cover of Tom Petty’s “Mary Jane’s Last Dance”.

Later on, the bearded Piven would explain that his biggest influences in the drummer’s seat are Cream’s Ginger Baker, and Nirvana’s Dave Grohl.  And it showed.  Piven never missed a beat.

One of the biggest surprises of the night was when Morse called upon Sum 41 lead singer and guitarist Deryck Whibley to join the pumped-up musicians on stage in slaying a passionate rendition of the Rolling Stones’ “Bitch”.

Many in the packed bowling alley knew that seeing the 34-year-old Canadian rocker Whibley on stage was a special experience. Only six months ago, Whibley nearly died of alcohol-induced liver and kidney failure. But now, Whibley looks as healthy as ever on stage doing what he clearly loves most with six strings and amplified distortion.

When asked about how he’s doing, Whibley said with poise and pride, “I feel absolutely great…just making new stuff for Sum 41.”

Although Whibley and Piven were spotted taking pictures together in the middle of the crowd, it is not likely that the Emmy award-winning actor will be filling the vacant drummer job for Sum 41.

The night continued, until a 4-minute dance party erupted with Toddsplanet finishing their set with a cover of OutKast’s “Hey Ya!”

And as if the night needed any more entertainment, several Playboy Bunnies were in attendance. At one point, they joined Toddsplanet on stage for some backup dancing. The scene was fitting, since Todd Morse’s wife Kim Phillips was Playboy’s Miss September 2009.

Punk fans would be delighted to know that also spotted in attendance were legendary stage manager Kenny Leath, former Bad Religion guitarist Greg Hetson, and Sugarcult’s Marko DeSantis. By the end of the night, the Lucky Strike bowling alley no longer felt like the House of Blues. As Morse described, it felt like a bunch of friends having fun and raising money for a great cause by rocking out in their garage.

@BrianFishbach is a writer and comedian studying entertainment journalism at UCLA.


Late Night Jokes for February 16, 2014

The United States military has unveiled a new military armor suit that is so burly that it has been called the “iron man” suit. And this fall, the US Military is expected to replace all Humvee vehicles with Batmobiles.

This weekend, Mitt Romney said of former President Bill Clinton, “he embarrassed the nation.” Romney then added that his five children are living proof that he himself has only had sex five times.

On Friday, a man gave his dying wife one of his kidneys on Valentines Day. But because he was sedated for the surgery, he forgot to call his mother in law and he’s now in deep shit.

At the Sochi Olympics, the US Men’s Hockey team beat the home-town Russian hockey team in a shoot out. While some say this is analogous to the 1980 Miracle on Ice, the only real miracle is that President Vladimir Putin let the victorious US team leave the arena with all of their fingers still attached.

The new “Lego Movie” earned $60 Million at the box office this past weekend. It is reported that the two main demographics at the movie have been ecstatic children, and their bored angry parents.

Facebook is now offering custom gender answers for the profiles of users who do not identify as simply male or female. To appease their users who oppose this change, Facebook has said if you disagree with this, we will replace your selected gender with “bigot asshole”.


Late Night Jokes for October 12, 2013

In Government shutdown news, President Obama and John Boehner have agreed that both sides need to keep talking…shit about each other behind their back.

A recent study showed that men are more concerned than women about penis size. The survey was conducted with Hummer owners, reality TV stars, and Anthony Weiner.

Reality TV star Bruce Jenner was recently photographed sporting a pony tail. When asked why he wore a pony tail, he said that he and ex-wife Kris enjoyed playing pin the tail on the dickhead.

Breaking Bad props were auctioned at a fundraiser which grossed nearly $1 million. One bidder offered $10,000 for a pair of Walter White’s tighty-whities. He later demanded his money back, citing clear evidence that the undies have been since washed.

A brand-new Cadillac ELR for 2014 will cost almost $80,000. Their slogan will be “Now for Pimps AND Retirees”.

Charlie Hunnam, who was slated to play Christian Grey in the upcoming film adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Grey”, has dropped the project. He said it was a a difficult decision to make, especially because the film will literally whoop-ass.

The Boston Red Sox will play the Detroit Tigers for a shot at the World Series. Many people are rooting for the Red Sox to win it all, particularly because it will prove that there was no 80 year curse of the billy goat, the Red Sox just sucked for two generations.

A study has shown that extra sleep on the weekend does not replace sleep lost during the weeknights. People that need extra sleep would have issued a counter argument, but they were too irritable to dispute the study.

National Geographic is running a story about how African Elephants can understand and respond to human gestures. Among the most recognizable human gestures garnering an elephant response involves a human driving a Jeep with a passenger brandishing a chainsaw and dart gun.


Late Night Jokes for October 11, 2013

Swimmer Diana Nyad reported that while she swam 90 miles from Cuba to Florida, she hallucinated scenes from “The Wizard of Oz”. Because of this, Nyad is now being investigated for LSD-coated steroids.

Since the beginning of 2013, World of Warcraft subscriptions have declined by 20%. At the same time, the nerdiest people in the world are reporting higher incidences of getting their first kiss.

Senator John McCain blamed the government shut down on the Tea Party. People have been agreeing with Senator McCain, particularly because he was at the original Boston Tea Party.

The Jonas Brothers have cancelled upcoming tour dates, spurring rumors of a possible break-up over diverging musical tastes. It appears that one brother wants to pursue rap, the second wants folk music, and the third brother wants to focus on becoming a musician.

Studies have shown Chicken McNuggets at McDonalds contain less than 50% chicken meat. To be fair, the word “chicken” is only 7 letters, while “McNuggets” is 9.

McDonalds will be distributing over 20 Million books as part of a new Happy Meal promotion. Here’s a few of the book titles
“Everybody Poops… A lot After a Happy Meal”
“Goodnight Sixpack”
“Bypass Surgery: The New McPlayground”

A study shows that viewing too many foods on Instagram can affect your taste buds to crave saltier, crunchier unhealthy foods. The study also shows that viewing too many sunsets on Instagram can cause viewers to crave saltier, crunchier sunsets.


Late Night Jokes for October 1, 2013

Apple and Google have now overtaken Coca-Cola as the most popular brands in the United States. And when Congress re-convenes, the national motto of the United States will be changed from “E Pluribus Unum” to “Come for the WiFi, Stay for the Soda”.

Some people are concerned that the new Health Care marketplace opening today will lead to overcrowding at doctor’s offices. But in order to sign up, you need internet access. So rest assured, the internet mandate will still keep millions of poor impoverished Americans from getting health care.

A tabloid is reporting that Justin Bieber was carried up the Great Wall of China by his body guards. But it wasn’t before long that Bieber’s body guards started to brawl with Mongolian warriors.

Scarlett Johansson admitted that her SAT score was slightly above average . . . this was corroborated by the guy who took the SAT for her —-claiming Scarlet was “slightly above average at giving hand jobs”.

Universal will be releasing a movie version of the computer game, “World of Warcraft” in late 2015. Producers are worried, however, that the only people who would see a World of Warcraft movie might not go because they’ll be too busy playing World of Warcraft.

The Federal Government shutdown last night has resulted in 800,000 federal workers to be furloughed without pay. At the National Forest Service headquarters, Smokey the Bear was spotted at the front door shouting “c’mon let me in, I left my cigarettes at my desk!”

The inaugural YouTube Music Awards will be headlined by Lady Gaga and Eminem in November. The other featured headliner will be a 12-year-old middle-schooler playing Lady Gaga and Eminem dubstep mash-ups off his Macbook Air.


Late Night Jokes for September 30, 2013

The finale to AMC’s “Breaking Bad” drew 10.3 Million Viewers last night . . . the 300 million Americans not watching were too busy making meth.

The production to the CNN documentary on Hillary Clinton was suspended today. The producers thought that the portrayal of Bill was just way too big.

Philadelphia and Washington, DC have each started exploratory committees to host the 2024 olympics. DC has said they will instigate a new event, the 200-meter mugging. And Philly said they will start a new event called “Team Yelling Obscenities While Wearing Facepaint”.

OJ Simpson is back in the news. He penned an Op/Ed titled, “I May Be Civilly Liable for Two Murders, but I Never Took Steriods.

Starting this week, PopularScience.com will no longer accept comments on new articles. When asked why they got rid of comments, Popular science said it was because “comments are gay lol”.

Scientists may have discovered a better treatment for the Ebola virus. As a result, Dustin Hoffmann is looking to make a sequel to “Outbreak”—90 minutes of people just getting vaccinations injected into their butt.

A study has shown that when venturing to the beach, you have to be alert for sewage. The study also said that you have to be sure not to go blind when a stretch-marked tattooed person asks you to put extra sunscreen on their hairy back moles.

The bodyguards of Tom Brady and his wife Giselle are facing gun charges after an incident at the couple’s wedding. Brady is going to write a book about the situation called, “all my friends are murderers.”

Clint Eastwood and his wife Diana have split. They have said they want to yell racial slurs at kids with other people.


Late Night Jokes for August 28, 2013

The New York Times website was attacked by computer hackers yesterday. This was discovered when the headline on their website read “Print Industry Doing Awesome”.

People have compared the United States’ response to the conflict in Syria to Bush and Cheney’s response to the Iraq War. When asked for their opinions now, Cheney said “I hate Syria”, and Bush said similarly, “I ate cereal too.”

The members of NSync have said that they have no plans of reuniting in the forseeable future. But don’t give up hope, NSync fans. They may still get back together in the year 2030 for their Menopausal Madness tour.

A woman in Florida taking a road-side sobriety test stole the police deputy’s patrol vehicle. She thought that there is no better way to prove that you’re not drunk driving than to get behind the wheel and show ’em first hand.

Celebrity couple Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are reportedly separating. They said they just want to spread HPV to other people.

Today, a rally was held at the Lincoln Memorial to mark the 50th Anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream Speech”. Today also marks the three-year anniversary of Glenn Beck’s cowardly rebuttal to King’s speech.

The Los Angeles School District is considering getting iPads for students. This is happening because schools were complaining that some students had an unfair advantage at learning to procrastinate.

There is a rumor that this September, Apple will be releasing a gold-colored iPhone. Apple executives are hoping that this will make the iPhone just a little bit more likely to be stolen on the street.

Wal-Mart has finally extended health-care benefits to workers that are same-sex couples. Don’t get too excited, it’s cheap knock-off Wal-Mart health care.

JD Salinger’s estate will be releasing posthumous books by the year 2020. Thus proving that not only humans, but books themselves can be reclusive.

A horrific story in China: a woman took her son into a field and gouged out his eyes. Just a quick survey, what objects—besides eyes—are capable of being gouged out? Or does gouging refer solely to eyes?

Speaking of horrific wordplay, The Oxford Dictionary has added the word “selfie” to its list of new words for 2013. The definition will be, “a photograph taken of and by a self-absorbed narcissist with a smartphone.”


Go Where No Jew Has Ever Gone Before

Up for Grabs…. Jewish Firsts that Have Yet To Happen

Jews looking to pad their LinkedIn profiles with accomplishments still have a wide field of opportunity to become the first Jew to do something.

Here’s a list of ten things you can still be the “first Jew” to do:   

  • First Jew to walk on the moon.  (1)  
  • First Jew to be President of the University of Notre Dame. (2)
  • First Jew to get stripped of a Grammy.  (3)
  • First Jew to win a gold medal in the equestrian events at the Summer Olympics. (4)
  • First Jew to play bass for the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  (5) 
  • First Jew to lose five Super Bowls as head coach.  (6)
  • First Jew to play a villain opposite Mel Gibson in a Lethal Weapon movie.  (7)
  • First Jew to defeat Floyd Mayweather in the boxing ring.  (8)
  • First Jew to sleep with Pauly Shore.  (9)
  • First Jew to eat 80 matzo balls in 8 minutes.  (10)

FOOTNOTES
(1)  Although a Jew has yet to walk on the Moon, the first Jewish American in Space was Judith Resnick in 1984. 
(2)  Didn’t even bother to fact check this one.  Just assuming.
(3)  Still Rob and Fab from Mili Vanilli are the sole proprietors of this infamous title.
(4)  Although Jews have won gold medals in most Olympic events, no member of the tribe has won gold while on horseback.  Swimmer Dara Torres has the most Olympic medals for a Jew:  12.
(5)  The Red Hot Chili Peppers have had two Jewish guitarists:  The late Hillel Slovak and current Guitarist Josh Klinghoffer. 
(6)  Coach Marv Levy is the only Jewish head coach to lose four Super Bowls—consecutively—with the Buffalo Bills (1991-1994). 
(7)  Guaranteed to keep Mel Gibson out of show business forever. 
(8)  Pretty Boy Mayweather is undefeated.
(9)  We are pretty sure he is still a virgin.

(10)  The current record is held by non-Jew Joey Chestnut:  78. 


Jewish Cartoon Spotlight: Kyle Broflovski from “South Park”

Our first Jewish cartoon spotlight, Kyle Broflovski, is one of the four main characters from Comedy Central’s all-time most successful show, South Park.

Kyle has appeared in every episode since South Park first aired in August 1997.   He is distinguished from the other main characters by his green hat and orange winter coat.  Kyle is also modeled after the show’s co-creator Matt Stone who was raised Jew(ish) in Littleton, Colorado.  He sports a Jewfro similar to that of Stone before the stress of 237 episodes left him with a scaled-back do.

That Jewfro gets temporarily coiffed into a Pauly-D style in the show’s fourteenth season, when we learn that Kyle’s Jewish mother is originally from New Jersey.

Gerald Broflovski, Kyle’s father, is an attorney and is always seen wearing a kippah–at home, in the courtroom, and even in the hot tub.

Kyle also has a younger brother Ike, who was born in Canada and adopted into the family.

We get to meet Kyle’s cousin from New York that he can’t stand:  Kyle Schwartz.  Schwartz’ neuroses and raspy voice are likely modeled after Jewish filmmaker Woody Allen.

At all times during the year, a menorah can be seen displayed in the living room of the Broflovski home.

Kyle’s Jewish identity has been featured prominently in several episodes:

“Mr. Hankey” (S1E9)  In the winter of South Park’s first season, Kyle laments feeling ostracized by his town as he sings “It’s Hard to Be a Jew on Christmas”.

“Jewbilee” (S3E9):  Kyle takes his non-Jewish pal Kenny to a Jewish scouting camp.

“The Passion of the Jew” (S8E3):   Kyle confronts Mel Gibson about false depictions of Jewish people in his film, The Passion of the Christ.

“Jewpacabra” (S16E4):  Kyle experiences Passover as his malicious cohort, Eric Cartman claims that the eighty-day festival is a threat to Easter egg hunts.

Cartman is Kyle’s primary nemesis on the show.  Often the voice of ignorance, Cartman taunts Kyle and is quick to use Kyle’s religion as a pejorative.  While Cartman’s outlandish and intentionally offensive characterizations of Kyle have become more gratuitous over the years, by the denouement of each episode, Cartman is duly punished for his anti-semetic school-yard slanders.

Kyle and his fellow South Park characters do not age on the show, although they did graduate from third grade to fourth grade in the fourth season.  It might be nice to see what happens when Kyle finally gets Bar Mitzvahed.

While there has been no indication of this, we will have to wait and see what adventures Kyle is up to with his buddies when South Park’s 17th season premiers on September 25.

Reruns of South Park are aired every day on Comedy Central.  Also, while it is not on Netflix, you can watch every episode of the show on their official website, www.southparkstudios.com


Late Night Jokes for July 24, 2012

  • Mitt Romney is excited about the upcoming Olympics in London next week.  Romney said he loves to see foreign people doing the same hard work American athletes do overseas.
  • When asked if he had any regrets about following Trayvon Martin and killing him, George Zimmerman responded, “No, it was all God’s plan.”   When Zimmerman’s lawyer was asked if his client’s comments were indeed true, the attorney said, “Yes it’s true, my client is a murderer AND a total dumbass.”
  • A new study shows that older people who use Twitter are less likely to be depressed.  So the key to eternal happiness is figuring out how to complain about your tapioca pudding in 140 characters.
  • Rapper Snoop Dogg is making his debut reggae album under the name “Snoop Lion”.   Snoop has announced his planned monikers for future albums:

Country:  Snoop Possum

Jazz:  Snoop Cat

Classical String Quartet:  Snoop Caviar

  • The standoff between DirecTV and Viacom has ended, bringing Comedy Central and Nickelodeon back to millions of TV viewers.  Many of the viewers were relieved at the end of the standoff, because to pass the time, they almost considered reading a book.
  • Sir Elton John praised former President George W. Bush for the work he did to fight AIDS.  The former President was flattered by the praise, and said, “Thanks Elton, and I always loved your work in The Beatles.”
  • A “Fifty Shades of Grey” furniture line is being produced.  One item will be a lazy-boy chair built so cheaply in America that you’re guaranteed to get hurt trying to adjust it.
  • Joe Paterno’s record of wins since 1998 was wiped from the record books by NCAA officials.  This isn’t the first time in the past 10 years that someone had to wipe Joe Paterno.

Late Night Jokes for June 20, 2012

  • Historians are saying that President Thomas Jefferson, if he were alive today, would not be a fan of many of President Barack Obama’s policies.  However, historians are also saying that Thomas Jefferson would have loved Michelle Obama.
  • The United States and Israeli military created a ‘Flame’ virus aimed at hacking Iran’s computers in an effort to curb Iran’s nuclear program.  When asked why they chose cyber-warfare over an invasion, Israeli and United States military officials said, “ya know we wanted to hit ’em with something as inconvenient as a nuclear bomb, but without all that noise and burned flesh stank.”
  • On this day in 1782, the United States Congress adopted the Great Seal of the United States.  Lawmakers back then thought that calling it “The Great Seal” would symbolize a strong honest government.  And what better way to symbolize strength and honesty than to call it a “Great Seal” when it is clearly not a seal, but only a flattened bird holding 13 arrows and a twigs from a bitter tree.
  • Today, Republican Congressman Ron Paul admitted that even though he is on Social Security,  he still believes it is unconstitutional.  Congressman Paul also admitted that even though he likes getting head, he does not enjoy giving head.
  • A new study shows that living in an area close to noisy traffic and loud honking car horns can lead to an increased heart risk.  As a result, New York cabbies are starting to yell at each other, “GO FASTER AND FUCKING TURN ALREADY, OR ELSE MY HEART IS GOING TO BE AT RISK.”
  • A Kansas Boy Scout accomplished the rare achievement of earning all 132 merit badges.  After that, he was awarded a 133rd merit badge for being the biggest dork in his entire school.
  • Deep fried cereal was recently unveiled at the San Diego County fair.  And the advertising campaign for deep fried cereal is going to say, “Every morning at breakfast, you’re another day closer to death.  But with deep fried cereal, you can bring yourself a just a little bit closer.”
  • A man from California had to abandon his sailboat after it was struck by a whale and began to sink off the coast of Mexico.   The man said that the whale got all agitated when he called out to the whale, “‘YO BLUBBER ASS, POSE FOR A PICTURE, WOULDYA?’.”
  • Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett Smith appeared with Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton today to call on the media to pay more attention to the atrocities of human trafficking.  But during the question and answer session afterward, reporters refused to ask any intelligent questions about human trafficking until Will Smith agreed to sing the Fresh Prince of Bel Air song.

Late Night Jokes for June 14, 2012

  • Popstar Chris Brown was injured last night after getting attacked at a nightclub in New York.  Police are not sure what the assailant looks like, but they do know the assailant goes by the name, “Karma”.
  • Donald Trump turned 66 years old today.  His hairdo turned 35.
  • On Wednesday, San Francisco Giants pitcher Matt Cain became only the 23rd pitcher to throw perfect game in the history of Major League Baseball— in a 10-0 win over the Houston Astros.  After the game, however, the Los Angeles Dodgers showed up and mugged Cain in the parking lot.
  • The will of the late Penn State football coach, Joe Paterno was publicly released Thursday.  In the will, Paterno bequeathed his incontinence to Jerry Sandusky.
  • A study shows that the average price of 4-year universities jumped 15% between 2008 and 2010.  And even more bad news for college students: there has been a 30% increase in the price of Easy Mac and weed.
  • A source close to Prince William and Princess Kate said that the couple plans to attempt to conceive a baby between September 2012 and the summer of 2013.  But until then, the royal couple plans to “just bone in the Queen’s bed like we usually do.”
  • Actor-producer Mark Wahlberg said he plans to finish high school and earn his diploma sometime this year.   In fact, Wahlberg has already made lots of new friends at is high school—- because he is now the only student old enough to buy beer and guns for his classmates.
  • Today is flag day.   In addition, it is the anniversary of President Eisenhower adding the line, “One Nation Under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance.  And to celebrate this, former Vice President Al Gore suggested that there should be a more accurate line in the Pledge:  “One Nation Under A Deteriorating Ozone Layer”.
  • Research has shown that living in New York City increases one’s life expectancy.  More specifically, researchers have said that paying rent that is too high and yelling, “AYY F#%K YOU” from the back of a cab during traffic jams are very healthy exercises.

Late Night Jokes for June 12, 2012

  • Today is the 25th anniversary of Ronald Reagan’s speech at the Berlin Wall.  Sarah Palin released a statement about that saying, “Today we remember President Ronald Reagan’s iconic quote about the Berlin Wall:  ‘All in all we’re just another brick in the wall, Mr. Gorbachev.'”
  • The LAPD is reporting that someone found a pair of human lungs on the sidewalk in South Los Angeles.  Detectives have speculated that rapper Snoop Dogg may have received a double lung transplant, the doctor stole the old lungs to sell on eBay, then changed his mind as he drove back to to his Mansion in Brentwood.
  • The Los Angeles Kings hockey team have won their first Stanley Cup Trophy in their 45-year history.   At their victory parade this Thursday, the team plans to distribute team photographs and flyers explaining that Los Angeles actually has a hockey team, and they actually won the Stanley Cup while the rest of the city was doing LA’s 3 S’es:   surfing, shopping, or stuck in traffic.
  • The Oklahoma City Thunder have made it to the NBA Finals for the first time.  However, it may be a while before the Thunder get to play any Finals games due to a filibuster by Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn.
  • The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers will be announcing new internet suffixes to replace .com—- some of which will include .lol .bank and .music.   There are a few others they are considering, and which include .boobs  .batshitcrazyconspiracytheory and .catvideos
  • The People’s Republic of China is reportedly planning to have a manned space launch this month.  While on the mission, the Chinese astronauts hope to study the effects of zero-gravity on child labor.
  • Commerce Secretary John Bryson has been placed on medical leave after supposedly having a seizure while driving his car, which caused a pair of car crashes over the weekend.  To comfort Secretary Bryson, former President George W. Bush called Bryson on the phone and told him, “Don’t you worry, Johnny.  It could be worse, my Secretary of Commerce crashed the entire economy.”
  • Starbucks is introducing new products to sell at its coffee shops to help support creating jobs in America.  Some of the products include a book to translate the serving sizes from smug Starbucks language to English, as well as a small Starbucks coffee maker, so you can make burned coffee from the comfort of your home.

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