Late Night Jokes for June 14, 2012

  • Popstar Chris Brown was injured last night after getting attacked at a nightclub in New York.  Police are not sure what the assailant looks like, but they do know the assailant goes by the name, “Karma”.
  • Donald Trump turned 66 years old today.  His hairdo turned 35.
  • On Wednesday, San Francisco Giants pitcher Matt Cain became only the 23rd pitcher to throw perfect game in the history of Major League Baseball— in a 10-0 win over the Houston Astros.  After the game, however, the Los Angeles Dodgers showed up and mugged Cain in the parking lot.
  • The will of the late Penn State football coach, Joe Paterno was publicly released Thursday.  In the will, Paterno bequeathed his incontinence to Jerry Sandusky.
  • A study shows that the average price of 4-year universities jumped 15% between 2008 and 2010.  And even more bad news for college students: there has been a 30% increase in the price of Easy Mac and weed.
  • A source close to Prince William and Princess Kate said that the couple plans to attempt to conceive a baby between September 2012 and the summer of 2013.  But until then, the royal couple plans to “just bone in the Queen’s bed like we usually do.”
  • Actor-producer Mark Wahlberg said he plans to finish high school and earn his diploma sometime this year.   In fact, Wahlberg has already made lots of new friends at is high school—- because he is now the only student old enough to buy beer and guns for his classmates.
  • Today is flag day.   In addition, it is the anniversary of President Eisenhower adding the line, “One Nation Under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance.  And to celebrate this, former Vice President Al Gore suggested that there should be a more accurate line in the Pledge:  “One Nation Under A Deteriorating Ozone Layer”.
  • Research has shown that living in New York City increases one’s life expectancy.  More specifically, researchers have said that paying rent that is too high and yelling, “AYY F#%K YOU” from the back of a cab during traffic jams are very healthy exercises.

Late Night Jokes for June 13, 2012

  • University of North Dakota will be relinquishing it’s athletics moniker, The Fighting Sioux, after the state voted it to be “too offensive”.  Instead, the University of North Dakota will be renaming their mascot, The Drinking Yah Dontchaknows.
  • Apple unveiled its latest operating system, iOS 6, on Tuesday.  The new system has functions designed to make it easier to post on Facebook.  Apple estimates that it will now be 50 times more likely that you’ll accidentally post a picture of your ding-dong on your Facebook profile.
  • A recent study has shown that eating fish oils—Omega 3 Fatty Acids— does not fend off dementia as well as previously determined.  So now you have no excuse for throwing raw salmon at your grandma—you’re just being a jerk.
  • Former President of Egypt, Hosni Mubarak is gravely ill while serving time in prison.  He has expressed that he fears that the prison doctors want him dead.  Mubarak became suspicious after he overheard one of the doctors say, “I don’t care if he’s wearing them when he dies—I call dibs on old-man Hosni’s aviator sunglasses.”
  • A woman in a St. Louis Wal-Mart was caught shoplifting and cooking meth inside of the Wal-Mart store.  Wal-Mart security guards had her kicked out of the store after she admitted she was also part of a labor union.
  • A poll released today shows that most Americans oppose the use of unmanned drone planes for routine police reconnaissance.  The same Americans also suggested that police do their spying the same way the rest of America does:  with Facebook.  (Yes we are aware that there now have been two Facebook-related punchlines today)
  • The owners of Main Street Diner in Council Bluffs, Iowa are furious at the Mitt Romney Campaign.  The owners say that the campaign staff caused damage all over the restaurant—including ripping table cloths, breaking holes into the roof, and they even smashed a framed picture of the owner’s father.  Witnesses said the melee started when Romney threw a fit after the diner refused to serve him caviar with his grilled cheese.
  • This week, Burger King introduces a Bacon Sundae—an entire ice cream dish topped with real bacon.  And with every purchase of a Bacon Sundae, Burger King will be giving away shirts that say, “My cholesterol level is MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS.”
  • A homeless man in Colorado was awarded $77,000 after he found the money in the trash, turned it into authorities, and nobody came forward to claim it.  With his new spoils, the homeless man treated himself to night at the Four Seasons Hotel, where he slept on a king size bed made entirely of newspaper and discarded Domino’s Pizza boxes.
  • The town of Middleborough, Massachusetts approved a mandatory fine of $20 if caught swearing in public.  The town has included one exception to this law, making it legal to swear in public whenever the New England Patriots blow a perfect season in the Super Bowl.

Late Night Jokes for June 12, 2012

  • Today is the 25th anniversary of Ronald Reagan’s speech at the Berlin Wall.  Sarah Palin released a statement about that saying, “Today we remember President Ronald Reagan’s iconic quote about the Berlin Wall:  ‘All in all we’re just another brick in the wall, Mr. Gorbachev.'”
  • The LAPD is reporting that someone found a pair of human lungs on the sidewalk in South Los Angeles.  Detectives have speculated that rapper Snoop Dogg may have received a double lung transplant, the doctor stole the old lungs to sell on eBay, then changed his mind as he drove back to to his Mansion in Brentwood.
  • The Los Angeles Kings hockey team have won their first Stanley Cup Trophy in their 45-year history.   At their victory parade this Thursday, the team plans to distribute team photographs and flyers explaining that Los Angeles actually has a hockey team, and they actually won the Stanley Cup while the rest of the city was doing LA’s 3 S’es:   surfing, shopping, or stuck in traffic.
  • The Oklahoma City Thunder have made it to the NBA Finals for the first time.  However, it may be a while before the Thunder get to play any Finals games due to a filibuster by Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn.
  • The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers will be announcing new internet suffixes to replace .com—- some of which will include .lol .bank and .music.   There are a few others they are considering, and which include .boobs  .batshitcrazyconspiracytheory and .catvideos
  • The People’s Republic of China is reportedly planning to have a manned space launch this month.  While on the mission, the Chinese astronauts hope to study the effects of zero-gravity on child labor.
  • Commerce Secretary John Bryson has been placed on medical leave after supposedly having a seizure while driving his car, which caused a pair of car crashes over the weekend.  To comfort Secretary Bryson, former President George W. Bush called Bryson on the phone and told him, “Don’t you worry, Johnny.  It could be worse, my Secretary of Commerce crashed the entire economy.”
  • Starbucks is introducing new products to sell at its coffee shops to help support creating jobs in America.  Some of the products include a book to translate the serving sizes from smug Starbucks language to English, as well as a small Starbucks coffee maker, so you can make burned coffee from the comfort of your home.

Late Night Jokes for June 11, 2012

  • Lebron James and the Miami Heat have returned to the NBA Finals for the second year in a row.  And today, republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney spoke to Lebron James about this saying, “it’s okay if the American public hates you— as long as you are a multimillionaire, and can kick and scream your way to a dismal second place defeat.”
  • Apple CEO Tim Cook is expected to unveil the latest details for the new iPhone and MacBook operating system.  Cook said that the latest line of Apple software was designed with the late Steve Jobs’  clear-minded Buddhist influence—particularly the sect of Buddhism that encourages followers to sell overpriced shiny electronics made with child labor to American consumers.
  • Adventurist Nik Wellenda plans to walk across Niagara Falls on a tight rope this week.  Yes, he hopes that after he walks across the falls on a tight rope, he can finally get inducted into the “Do Crazy Shit For Attention Hall of Fame”.
  • Fifty years ago today, the only escapees from Alcatraz prison made their infamous getaway from the prison island in San Francisco Bay.  However, this morning, all three of the fugitive escapees were located and arrested after being duped into doing a one of those trite reunion interviews on The Today Show.
  • “Willy Wonka” actor Gene Wilder today celebrates his 79th birthday.  According to relatives, his birthday wish was, “YOU KIDS KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF MY CHOCOLATE”.
  • The National Football League is considering adding sideline concussion tests during the games this year.  Players are concerned, however, because unlike college, there will be no one to take these tests for them.
  • In Idaho, a ban was lifted on selling a vodka called “Five Wives Vodka”, after the drink had been called offensive to Mormons.  The vodka will now be sold under its new name, “Larry King’s Personal Life”.
  • A recent study has shown that too little sleep each night can increase ones risk for a stroke.   In a related study, too little sleep has been linked to unsupervised internet use and the work day starting too goddamn early.
  • The family of Fahrenheit 451 author Ray Bradbury —who passed away last week — has spoken about the legendary author during his final days.  Apparently, his last words were “Michael Moore still owes me $10 Million bucks.”

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